girlsolo | [For Imriel] Imma meet you halfway

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[For Imriel] Imma meet you halfway

It's quiet.

Kate's alone for what feels like the first time since she found Lilo in the jungle. No kid - not sticky, not scared, not sweet, not sweaty, not screaming, not singing (Elvis, always Elvis), not staring at the ocean, not stirring a jar of voodoo dolls, not stomping, not slamming doors, not saying Kate's mean and fat and has stupid hair because there's no peanut butter or sugar cereal or pizza or she doesn't want to go to bed or she doesn't understand why she can't run off and see all of her new friends or go swimming or surfing by herself Nani let me I'm not Nani no you're not Nani's much better than you I know I hate you!

It's quiet and Kate is collapsed face down on the bed half watching some Australian teen dance drama but mostly missing Declan and trying not to. When she's not wondering how she went from slut to single foster mother of a six-year-old in three hours and thinking it's really different, leaving the kids at the Children's Office or leaving William with Sam and Daniel. Different. Exhausting. She'd kill for enough energy to get up and go for a run or a swim to loosen the mass of knots in her shoulders from picking Lilo up whenever she needs to be held and from worrying the rest of the time that she's screwing up. But that would take work.

Maybe she'll just lie here in a jersey and boy shorts with her hair and arm dangling off the bed and pray there's no reason to move enough to work up a sweat.

[ooc: she lives in New Atlantis, which he'd definitely no and the door's probably half open for air flow and in case the dog decides to come home.]

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"I'm not done," I replied calmly, my own gaze fixed on the point where her knee met my thigh. "You need to hear the rest." It only got worse from there.

"The one I was sold to was the leader of a very small country called Drujan. I never learned his real name; I suspect he himself did not remember it. We only knew him as the Mahrkagir. He and his followers had turned that place into one of darkness and evil, where death was sown in the place of life. They had cast off the ways of their god Ahura Mazda and followed instead Angra Mainyu. Ill thoughts, ill words, ill deeds. It was a living hell. I lived as a slave in the zenana for close to a year, before they came."

I paused then, thinking of how I'd spat in her face the first time I saw her. "Phedre and Joscelin. They went willingly into that hell and by the grace of Elua, we made it out. Phedre killed the Mahrkagir herself, with a hair pin." I had watched Joscelin kill Jagun; I helped him do it. "And it was then, after leaving that place, that I discovered who I truly am - a Prince of the Blood, third in line for the throne, and the son of Terre d'Ange's deadliest traitor, Melisande Shahrizai."

Will's the one who knows what to say about things like this. Who knows how to listen without getting tangled up in it. Kate can feel the weight of his gaze on her knee and she's not sure whether to pull back to give him space or stay, press closer, be real and right now like fighting a nightmare.

It's his story. His hurt. All she can do is be here and make sure she knows he's not shocking her. That she's not put off from him even though the story makes her murderous. She's not sure. It might be the wrong thing, but instead of saying anything, she just reaches out to touch the back of his wrist. One touch, soft, and then pulls her hand back.

Her gaze finds his and she's pretty sure she doesn't need to say go on. It's right there in her eyes.

At the touch to my wrist, I looked up at her. I could never be sure, telling this story, what reaction I would find. I had told Eamonn expecting revulsion and had found only compassion. Now, with Kate, it seemed it would be the same. I had, however, spared her the worst details.

"My mother has betrayed Terre d'Ange more than once, spanning back to before I was born," I continued. "She had been condemned to death and escaped, and secretly wed my father, the queen's uncle, who had a place of power in Caerdicca Unitas. It was there that I was born. When her plan to have the queen assassinated was thwarted by Phedre and Joscelin she had me sent away to the Sanctuary of Elua, and I was hidden there until my kidnapping, when my mother sent Phedre to find me. She - my mother - had claimed sanctuary in the Temple of Asherat, and she remained there for many years in exile, knowing her life was forfeit if she ever set foot outside those walls."

Up til the Sanctuary, pretty much, Kate's life was a train wreck. But for most of it, she'd been conducting the train. It'd been shitty but shitty within her control. Listening to Imri, Kate knows it's all a bunch of crap - her life, her problems. Petty stuff. Her own bad choices. Sounds to her like that's the one thing Imri's never had is a choice. Just other people pushing him around like a chess piece. Other people deciding who he's supposed to be.

It's kind of strange but it reminds her of Henry a little. How he's a HAP and he didn't get a choice about that and he can't help that there's a side of him that's a wolfman and he fought it for so long. She doesn't say anything now, but she decides she'll tell Imri about that, and maybe about Biggie and Father Jensen.

She's not stupid, though. She knows there's more to the story and from what she's picked up about Alcuin, she knows it'll end up being about sex. Politics and power always go together with sex. But even more than usual in Terre d'Ange. Plus, he wouldn't be telling her if it didn't have something to do with why he slammed on the brakes.

So she stays quiet and listens, trying to remember the names, the details, the people. It's not her thing. History and shit like that. But either Lilo's got her thinking about ohana and remembering or Kate feels like if she's the witness, the one who gets to hear this (and it is 'gets to', whatever the reason and no matter how fucked up the story, Imri's trusting her with something secret and no one knows the value of secret truths more than a con), the least she can do is remember.

And at last, I was to the point where I could explain to her how this all related to what had happened at the stable. "I have told you of how Terre d'Ange was founded, by Elua and his eight Companions, the angels of God who came to Earth and remained. On my father's side, I am descended from Elua," I explained. "Through my mother's lineage, however, I am a scion of the angel Kushiel, who served as the punisher of God before he chose to become one of Elua's Companions. It is said that he loved his subjects too well. His nature is passed on to his scions."

At that, I paused, unsure as to whether Kate would understand my meaning.

Elua. Alcuin and Imriel both talked about him. He's the one who taught the D'Angelines to 'love as thou wilt', she thinks. Then there was Naamah who was the one who took money for sex to feed the companions. She frowns, biting at her lip, while she tries to work out where Kushiel fits and what 'he loved his subjects too well' means.

She gets that it has to do with Imri, that he has the blood of the punisher in him. She gets maybe that means he's got a streak like she's got dark skin because her parents do, but... Kate shakes her head. "So you've got Elua's, what, compassion, and Kushiel's, um, punishment? Sounds complicated, like you said, but I'm not sure what you're trying to tell me."

"I believe the term you would be familiar with is sadomasochism?" I said. I had done some amount of study, using the bookshelf and a few volumes Phedre had found. "And if one was to apply that to Kushiel, his scions would be the sadists. That inclination - it is a part of me."

"So that's what this is about? S&M? Imri--" Her voice drops and softens, because she thinks she gets it now. He wants to hurt her and he doesn't like it. Maybe because of Elua's compassion. Or maybe something that happened in the what'd he call it? Zenana? "Babe. I like a little, sometimes a lot, of ow with my oh my god. I get that maybe you're not cool with it, and I don't need it if you're not, but if you're just worried about me? Don't."

I shook my head. "It's not just about that," I replied. "I understand how it's supposed to work. I was fostered by the best example of how Kushiel's mercy does work. And mayhap if I had been raised knowing of my lineage, had gained that understanding while growing up as most Shahrizai children did, I would not have such concerns."

I paused, frowning slightly. "I betimes have difficulty separating that from...my own past. From what I saw, from what was done to me at the hands of the Mahrkagir and his men."

Now she gets it. Better, anyway. And she kind of wants to kill the bastards. Even if they're already dead. "Evil sons of bitches." She nods and catches his gaze. "You don't want to be like them. You don't want to ever do to anyone else what they did to you. Yeah?"

"Yes," I confirmed, nodding. I knew the difference there was in dealing out pain with consent, but I had known such cruelty at such a young age, and that was exceedingly difficult to move past.

"May I show you something?" I asked, but before Kate could give consent, I straightened and tugged my shirt over my head, pulling it off so she could see the numerous faint whip scars that cris-crossed my back. "This is somewhat I would not wish upon anyone." Phedre healed clean, I knew, but that was part of her gift. Not everyone who felt the kiss of the lash could say the same.

Even now, it's so tempting to tease him, to say he never needs permission to take off his clothes around her. It might be good for him, like when Will gets too serious, but for once in her life, she stows it.

And when he shows her his back, she's glad she did. She's tactile. She reaches out before she thinks, but pulls her hand back at the last second. "Can I?"

I turned my head, and upon seeing her reaching out, understood what she wanted. I still was not overly fond of being touched, but with Kate, I was comfortable enough to allow it. "Yes."

It's probably a bad idea. No it's definitely a bad idea but... Kate's never met a bad idea she didn't love. That's how they got here in the first place.

Fuck it.

Her fingertips trace over the light lines on Imri's back. She's gentle. It's not something people expect from her but she can be. A lot of her favorite weapons have hair triggers. That's the lie she's telling and she's making herself believe it.

But that's not all. She leans in and presses a kiss, soft, simple, not even really sexual, to his shoulder. It's an apology, mostly for pushing. But she also doesn't know what to say.

I kept myself still, suppressing a shudder at the light touch of her fingers to the scars on my back. That was not the worst of it, but it was what I was willing to show her, for the time being. I turned my head to look back at her when I felt her lips press against my shoulder. "Now you know," I said simply, unsure what she had made of the whole tale.

"Uh-huh." Kate hooks her chin over his shoulder and cocks her head to look up at him. She's comfortable with him. Even though she can feel the heat beneath the surface.

She chews at her bottom lip for a minute and then says, "Told you I'm not so good at talking. Better at listening. But there's a lot you don't know about me, too. It's..." Her smile is tired, and she's hit again by how exhausted she is. By how good it feels, the warmth of his back against her chest. "Complicated. I don't even know if it matters."

I was very aware of how near she was, but it was not uncomfortable, despite the spark I could still sense was there. "Whatever you might wish to tell me," I replied, "I would be willing to hear."

"It's just..." Kate thinks of how she'd held a gun on Jimmy. How she'd wanted to kill him but couldn't, in the end. How she'd shot Ashley but that'd been one of the best things she'd ever done, saving Magnus like that. About Constantine and the Sorkel. About the Abnormals she sold into slavery that might've been as bad as his for all she knows.

She hasn't told anyone except Savannah and she forgives everyone everything. Declan knew. Aidan...can't judge. Will knows her.

Her lips rub together and finally she nods, pulls back and lifts off her shirt (she's wearing the wine-colored lace demi-bra she'd had when she got here) and shows Imri the ugly bullet scar in her right shoulder. "I'm not...good, Imri. I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of. Every day is--" She shrugs, not quite meeting his eyes. "A struggle. To be better, to earn the chances Helen and Will gave me. The day I got this, I was working with this guy. Jimmy. Neither of us knew it before this happened but he killed my dad. He saved me, that day, but he killed my dad. And when Helen and Will found us, I was holding a gun to his head. I was going to kill him for it. I still don't know for sure if I didn't do it because I didn't or because they were there to stop me."

Her fingers skim his forearm and she lifts her gaze to his again. It's not the same, but I get you.

I listened carefully to all she had to say. Her struggle was similar to mine, though for different reasons.

I will try to be good. I, too, needs must put forth a daily effort to follow that conviction.

Turning slightly toward her, I mirror her prior actions, touching gentle fingers to the scar. "Mayhap a little of both," I commented, meeting her gaze. "I understand what it is to struggle in such a way. I'm not kind, though I strive to be."

"Mayhap," Kate agrees, voice soft and not mocking this time. Just kind of...sharing the word the way they shared the stories.

It's weird, too, because they're wearing a lot less than they were in the barn but the part of her that wants is a lot quieter than the part that wants this. Quiet, comfort, understanding.

"You're better and stronger than you think you are, Imri. I would've given you anything the other day and you wanted it. But you walked away. I was pissed but I'm glad you did. It would've hurt you." And I wouldn't have forgiven myself for that.

I was not entirely sure of Kate's assessment of me, but I appreciated the sentiment. It meant something, coming from her.

"I could not have continued," I said in reply. "It was unfair to you, the way I went about it, but I could not have done that, not to you." Love as thou wilt also meant knowing when to stop.

"Imri..." Kate's not sure what she wants to say. She wants him but she doesn't want to push him or hurt him. Reaching up, she runs a hand through her hair to push it back. "I know I'm a chick and I'm smaller than you and that--" She flicks him a little smile. "You push my buttons. But I'm never going to let you hurt me in a way I don't want. I beat guys much bigger than me in hand to hand all the time."

"Hand to hand is somewhat different," I said with a flash of a smile. "There is equal ground on both sides."

I knew the desire had not left, for either of us, and I was not willing to push it aside. A different approach, mayhap, was needed. "I know." I lifted a hand to tuck an errant lock of hair behind her ear.

It's instant and instinctive, the way she tilts her cheek into his touch. Her eyes close, too, and her breath flows out soft over her mouth. "It's equal anyway. We each get something we need."

But she knows Imri's not going back there again to where they were. Not until they work out how to be together and he trusts her. She's not ready to go back either. It sucked last week and if Aidan hadn't stepped up, she'd still be too raw to let him touch her at all.

She glances at the screen paused on two dancers sharing a kiss and she can't help grinning. "So. How do you feel about dating?"

My lips quirked into a somewhat confused half-smile. "Dating?" I echoed, puzzled. "I - do not know. I have never done it."

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