[For Imriel] Imma meet you halfway

[girlsolo]

It's quiet.

Kate's alone for what feels like the first time since she found Lilo in the jungle. No kid - not sticky, not scared, not sweet, not sweaty, not screaming, not singing (Elvis, always Elvis), not staring at the ocean, not stirring a jar of voodoo dolls, not stomping, not slamming doors, not saying Kate's mean and fat and has stupid hair because there's no peanut butter or sugar cereal or pizza or she doesn't want to go to bed or she doesn't understand why she can't run off and see all of her new friends or go swimming or surfing by herself Nani let me I'm not Nani no you're not Nani's much better than you I know I hate you!

It's quiet and Kate is collapsed face down on the bed half watching some Australian teen dance drama but mostly missing Declan and trying not to. When she's not wondering how she went from slut to single foster mother of a six-year-old in three hours and thinking it's really different, leaving the kids at the Children's Office or leaving William with Sam and Daniel. Different. Exhausting. She'd kill for enough energy to get up and go for a run or a swim to loosen the mass of knots in her shoulders from picking Lilo up whenever she needs to be held and from worrying the rest of the time that she's screwing up. But that would take work.

Maybe she'll just lie here in a jersey and boy shorts with her hair and arm dangling off the bed and pray there's no reason to move enough to work up a sweat.

[ooc: she lives in New Atlantis, which he'd definitely no and the door's probably half open for air flow and in case the dog decides to come home.]

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[trytobegood]

It had been some days since I last saw Kate, but the memory of our last encounter had weighed heavily on my mind since then. I had been giving her space, at first, and then I had been giving myself time, to think and to pray.

I knew I owed her answers, but it meant talking of things I had not spoken of yet on the island. Things that were best kept in the dark.

I misliked the separation, though, and so finally, I took myself to her home, on foot, hoping she would be willing to speak with me.

"Kate?" I called, knocking at the partially open door.

[girlsolo]

Something in Kate's stomach twists at the sound of his voice. She's not pissed anymore, she doesn't think. But she's...she's been thinking about him and what didn't happen but should have. Part of her wants to pretend she's not here but he can probably hear the television and she's never been a chicken anyway.

"Door's open," she calls instead and doesn't bother moving. She knows what she looks like right now. He can just flipping deal with it.

[trytobegood]

I entered and found Kate sprawled across her bed, wearing a garment that left rather little to the imagination, as such things went. My eyebrows lifted briefly, but D'Angelines were not known much for their modesty, and I took her appearance in stride, despite the thoughts that wanted to surface.

"I mislike how we left things, the last time we saw one another," I said. "Can we talk?"

[girlsolo]

"I 'mislike' it too," she mocks, mimicking his accent again. Kate's not mad but she's not going to pull any punches either. "There aren't enough cold showers in the universe for that kind of hard stop."

She gestures lazily with one arm, the one holding her remote, and hits pause on show. "In other words, yeah. You can talk. We'll see about me talking when I hear what you've got to say."

[trytobegood]

"I'm sorry," I said, sincerely. "What I did was not fair to you. I should not have let it get so far." There was more to it than that, much more, but that, at least, was what I needed to say initially.

[girlsolo]

"No, you should've taken it much farther. Much." She scoots a little way over on the bed. With everything between them, it's not like she's going to be pissy about sharing space. "Stop apologizing for us wanting each other and sit down. I'm not having this conversation with you standing up."

Besides, she needs to touch him. Just...this isn't going to get fixed with words. Or not just words.

[trytobegood]

"As you like," I said, and sat on the bed next to her. "Kate, I told you there are things about me you do not know. I think mayhap I should tell you some of those things, so you can understand...why I am the way I am."

[girlsolo]

There's just something about how he says it that gets her attention. Instead of staying sprawled on the bed, she pulls herself upright, legs crossed and jersey sitting on her thighs, completely hiding the boy shorts.

"I get the feeling you could use to tell someone about them anyway and I'm pretty good at listening." She presses her knee to his thigh, reaching out to...she's not sure what. But this doesn't seem like it's easy for him.

There's being a bitch because he messed with her and there's hurting someone she cares about. She won't do the second thing.

[trytobegood]

I didn't shy away from the contact, but neither did I encourage it. I am no longer that boy who could not abide being touched by most people, but I still have my limits, and just then, I could not reach out, not yet.

"I did not always know I am a prince," I began. "For the first ten years of my life, I thought myself an orphan, and lived as a goatherd in the Sanctuary of Elua. I was happy there, cared for by the priests of Elua, playing with the other orphans of the sanctuary. But when I was ten, I was kidnapped by Carthaginian slave traders and sold to one who could only be described as a madman."

[girlsolo]

Kate listens, hearing the words and feeling the emotion behind them. She's not surprised when he gets to slave traders. Not at all.

She's ashamed. Because she'd suspected it and forgot. Forgot that he's young and she'd been feeling protective of him and then she went and pushed him like that. Cheeks warm, she drops his gaze and looks away. She can't help thinking about the Abnormals she'd sold into slavery, and it takes all she's got not to pull back from him.

"I'm sorry. For that and for whatever I did that...triggered it for you."

[trytobegood]

"I'm not done," I replied calmly, my own gaze fixed on the point where her knee met my thigh. "You need to hear the rest." It only got worse from there.

"The one I was sold to was the leader of a very small country called Drujan. I never learned his real name; I suspect he himself did not remember it. We only knew him as the Mahrkagir. He and his followers had turned that place into one of darkness and evil, where death was sown in the place of life. They had cast off the ways of their god Ahura Mazda and followed instead Angra Mainyu. Ill thoughts, ill words, ill deeds. It was a living hell. I lived as a slave in the zenana for close to a year, before they came."

I paused then, thinking of how I'd spat in her face the first time I saw her. "Phedre and Joscelin. They went willingly into that hell and by the grace of Elua, we made it out. Phedre killed the Mahrkagir herself, with a hair pin." I had watched Joscelin kill Jagun; I helped him do it. "And it was then, after leaving that place, that I discovered who I truly am - a Prince of the Blood, third in line for the throne, and the son of Terre d'Ange's deadliest traitor, Melisande Shahrizai."

[girlsolo]

Will's the one who knows what to say about things like this. Who knows how to listen without getting tangled up in it. Kate can feel the weight of his gaze on her knee and she's not sure whether to pull back to give him space or stay, press closer, be real and right now like fighting a nightmare.

It's his story. His hurt. All she can do is be here and make sure she knows he's not shocking her. That she's not put off from him even though the story makes her murderous. She's not sure. It might be the wrong thing, but instead of saying anything, she just reaches out to touch the back of his wrist. One touch, soft, and then pulls her hand back.

Her gaze finds his and she's pretty sure she doesn't need to say go on. It's right there in her eyes.

[trytobegood]

At the touch to my wrist, I looked up at her. I could never be sure, telling this story, what reaction I would find. I had told Eamonn expecting revulsion and had found only compassion. Now, with Kate, it seemed it would be the same. I had, however, spared her the worst details.

"My mother has betrayed Terre d'Ange more than once, spanning back to before I was born," I continued. "She had been condemned to death and escaped, and secretly wed my father, the queen's uncle, who had a place of power in Caerdicca Unitas. It was there that I was born. When her plan to have the queen assassinated was thwarted by Phedre and Joscelin she had me sent away to the Sanctuary of Elua, and I was hidden there until my kidnapping, when my mother sent Phedre to find me. She - my mother - had claimed sanctuary in the Temple of Asherat, and she remained there for many years in exile, knowing her life was forfeit if she ever set foot outside those walls."

[girlsolo]

Up til the Sanctuary, pretty much, Kate's life was a train wreck. But for most of it, she'd been conducting the train. It'd been shitty but shitty within her control. Listening to Imri, Kate knows it's all a bunch of crap - her life, her problems. Petty stuff. Her own bad choices. Sounds to her like that's the one thing Imri's never had is a choice. Just other people pushing him around like a chess piece. Other people deciding who he's supposed to be.

It's kind of strange but it reminds her of Henry a little. How he's a HAP and he didn't get a choice about that and he can't help that there's a side of him that's a wolfman and he fought it for so long. She doesn't say anything now, but she decides she'll tell Imri about that, and maybe about Biggie and Father Jensen.

She's not stupid, though. She knows there's more to the story and from what she's picked up about Alcuin, she knows it'll end up being about sex. Politics and power always go together with sex. But even more than usual in Terre d'Ange. Plus, he wouldn't be telling her if it didn't have something to do with why he slammed on the brakes.

So she stays quiet and listens, trying to remember the names, the details, the people. It's not her thing. History and shit like that. But either Lilo's got her thinking about ohana and remembering or Kate feels like if she's the witness, the one who gets to hear this (and it is 'gets to', whatever the reason and no matter how fucked up the story, Imri's trusting her with something secret and no one knows the value of secret truths more than a con), the least she can do is remember.

[trytobegood]

And at last, I was to the point where I could explain to her how this all related to what had happened at the stable. "I have told you of how Terre d'Ange was founded, by Elua and his eight Companions, the angels of God who came to Earth and remained. On my father's side, I am descended from Elua," I explained. "Through my mother's lineage, however, I am a scion of the angel Kushiel, who served as the punisher of God before he chose to become one of Elua's Companions. It is said that he loved his subjects too well. His nature is passed on to his scions."

At that, I paused, unsure as to whether Kate would understand my meaning.

[girlsolo]

Elua. Alcuin and Imriel both talked about him. He's the one who taught the D'Angelines to 'love as thou wilt', she thinks. Then there was Naamah who was the one who took money for sex to feed the companions. She frowns, biting at her lip, while she tries to work out where Kushiel fits and what 'he loved his subjects too well' means.

She gets that it has to do with Imri, that he has the blood of the punisher in him. She gets maybe that means he's got a streak like she's got dark skin because her parents do, but... Kate shakes her head. "So you've got Elua's, what, compassion, and Kushiel's, um, punishment? Sounds complicated, like you said, but I'm not sure what you're trying to tell me."

[trytobegood]

"I believe the term you would be familiar with is sadomasochism?" I said. I had done some amount of study, using the bookshelf and a few volumes Phedre had found. "And if one was to apply that to Kushiel, his scions would be the sadists. That inclination - it is a part of me."

[girlsolo]

"So that's what this is about? S&M? Imri--" Her voice drops and softens, because she thinks she gets it now. He wants to hurt her and he doesn't like it. Maybe because of Elua's compassion. Or maybe something that happened in the what'd he call it? Zenana? "Babe. I like a little, sometimes a lot, of ow with my oh my god. I get that maybe you're not cool with it, and I don't need it if you're not, but if you're just worried about me? Don't."

[trytobegood]

I shook my head. "It's not just about that," I replied. "I understand how it's supposed to work. I was fostered by the best example of how Kushiel's mercy does work. And mayhap if I had been raised knowing of my lineage, had gained that understanding while growing up as most Shahrizai children did, I would not have such concerns."

I paused, frowning slightly. "I betimes have difficulty separating that from...my own past. From what I saw, from what was done to me at the hands of the Mahrkagir and his men."

[girlsolo]

Now she gets it. Better, anyway. And she kind of wants to kill the bastards. Even if they're already dead. "Evil sons of bitches." She nods and catches his gaze. "You don't want to be like them. You don't want to ever do to anyone else what they did to you. Yeah?"

[trytobegood]

"Yes," I confirmed, nodding. I knew the difference there was in dealing out pain with consent, but I had known such cruelty at such a young age, and that was exceedingly difficult to move past.

"May I show you something?" I asked, but before Kate could give consent, I straightened and tugged my shirt over my head, pulling it off so she could see the numerous faint whip scars that cris-crossed my back. "This is somewhat I would not wish upon anyone." Phedre healed clean, I knew, but that was part of her gift. Not everyone who felt the kiss of the lash could say the same.

[girlsolo]

Even now, it's so tempting to tease him, to say he never needs permission to take off his clothes around her. It might be good for him, like when Will gets too serious, but for once in her life, she stows it.

And when he shows her his back, she's glad she did. She's tactile. She reaches out before she thinks, but pulls her hand back at the last second. "Can I?"

[trytobegood]

I turned my head, and upon seeing her reaching out, understood what she wanted. I still was not overly fond of being touched, but with Kate, I was comfortable enough to allow it. "Yes."

[girlsolo]

It's probably a bad idea. No it's definitely a bad idea but... Kate's never met a bad idea she didn't love. That's how they got here in the first place.

Fuck it.

Her fingertips trace over the light lines on Imri's back. She's gentle. It's not something people expect from her but she can be. A lot of her favorite weapons have hair triggers. That's the lie she's telling and she's making herself believe it.

But that's not all. She leans in and presses a kiss, soft, simple, not even really sexual, to his shoulder. It's an apology, mostly for pushing. But she also doesn't know what to say.

[trytobegood]

I kept myself still, suppressing a shudder at the light touch of her fingers to the scars on my back. That was not the worst of it, but it was what I was willing to show her, for the time being. I turned my head to look back at her when I felt her lips press against my shoulder. "Now you know," I said simply, unsure what she had made of the whole tale.