[For Declan] Jan 22: when I don't know what to say

[girlsolo]

She's been here since September. Been through people getting powers, people coming, people going, the island itself changing, finding out that she's maybe fictional or some kind of crap, but it's really not until today Kate's realized just how much this place fucks with her. Over breakfast, she finds out one of the people she really likes and respects lost her husband and now she's like five months pregnant and raising the kid of someone else who left her. By herself. The kid - who she fucking loves, okay? and, whatever, just she does - lost his mom, his uncle, and now his step-dad in a place that's way too safe for death to be something you just get like she and Thad did.

And when she comes home to detox for an hour before going to make up with her boyfriend, because she's been a complete fucking jackass for a week and he could just disappear any second without her ever getting to fix it, there's this sweet set up on her porch. A laptop with a huge screen and killer resolution, long life batteries, cords, speakers, HDMI for TV hookup, seriously everything a chick could want. There's a gold bow on top and a card that says "For Kate Freelander," and when she powers it up, it's got a sick media library. Movies, tv, music, games. She's not even sure whether to laugh or cry. Which she doesn't do. Cry. Not much. Not often. Not because it's weak or whatever. It's just not her thing.

She shakes her head and packs it all up in one of her woven hemp bags. Cleans herself up. Then spends about ten minutes deciding what face she's wearing when she goes to see Declan. Leather, lace, trench coat? She lines her eyes with some kohl and smudges some berry colored stain on her mouth but she's still not sure. Maybe jewelry will settle it. With a flick of her hand, she opens the box (not her box, and fuck if she doesn't miss that) and --

The light catches on a flash of bright silver and deep, rich blue. It's beautiful.

Kate doesn't cry, but when she lifts out the bracelet and slides it around her wrist, the kohl on her eyes smears and her lashes are wet. No one's ever given her anything like this before. She's an idiot.

* * *

Half an hour later, she's on Declan's doorstep with their new system, wearing refreshed makeup, the bracelet he gave her, and a straight-up Kate face. Black leather, black lace, blue top and jeans. She knocks because it's been a week and he won't be expecting her.

"Declan?"

*
Title lyrics from Pat Benatar's We Belong.

Comments

[duerespectguv]

Admittedly, Declan's been an ass. The worst sort of ass and talking to Auggie only made it worse. He's not sure how to make up with Kate, though, and in the end decides that if she doesn't come to him by tomorrow, he's going to go find her.

When there's a knock at the door and she's on his doorstep, Declan's smile is warm, genuine and more than a bit relieved.

"Katie-love. Was about to go looking for you tomorrow."

[girlsolo]

Katie-love.

God.

Without a word, she puts down the bag she's carrying and slides her arms around his waist. "I'm sorry. About all of it. I love you." Because she has to get it out. She has to get the words out before he can disappear or she starts crying and doesn't stop. "I'm sorry."

[duerespectguv]

"It's all right, I was an ass too, you know," Declan promises, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight. "I should have been less stubborn and went and apologized but I didn't."

He holds her for a few moments before leaning down and pressing a kiss against her hair. It feels good to have her here again, after a week of not really seeing her at all.

[girlsolo]

"Yeah," she says softly and mostly muffled against his chest. "You were." Her eyes close. When she's not with him, it always seems like she's doing fine on her own. But then it's like this, and it suddenly feels like she hasn't take a full breath in days.

"But I shouldn't have been such a jackass about sex. It wasn't even really about that. I'd just..it was a really long day of not being able to do fucking anything to help a friend and nothing going right. I think I just needed one thing to go right that I didn't have to fight for."

[duerespectguv]

"And of course I had to give you resistance," Declan says, kissing the top of her head and tugging at her so she's inside and he can push the door shut. It's good to see her after so many days without and there's always the niggling concern in the back of his mind that one or the both of them could disappear without warning. It happens, here on the island.

"C'mon, then. We're on the way to being fine now, yeah?"

[girlsolo]

Kate grabs the bag before he pulls the door shut on it. "Sensitive electronics in there," she explains as a reason she's pulled away.

But as soon as they're safely inside, she smiles up at him and pushes back the sleeve on her jacket to show off the bracelet. "I think we passed fine when you slipped this in my jewelry." She bit her lip and tried not to get all misty-eyed and shit. It's not the gift itself. It's just that no one's ever... "It's really beautiful, babe. You didn't have to. I wasn't going anywhere. Swear."

[duerespectguv]

It's not something he recognizes, the bracelet, and Declan touches it and frowns a bit as he tries to work out where it came from. If he'd given it to her, he'd be happy that she was pleased but as it is, well. He's not sure where it came from.

"Never seen that before, love. I'm sorry, I didn't get it for you. Don't even know where you'd get something like that on the island, even."

[girlsolo]

"Oh." Kate frowns at the bracelet, trying not to be too upset about the fact he didn't give it to her. It's not like she needs presents from him to know how he feels and she'd been planning to come back today anyway. It just stings a little.

"I guess it could be a present, like one of the ones everyone's been getting. But I haven't heard of anyone getting two." She tips her head toward the bag. "I got what's in there."

A thought occurs to her, that someone might be fucking with her. Trixa or one of the others she stole shit from, but she buries it for now. It's not Declan's problem and she'll deal with it later.

[duerespectguv]

"I haven't gotten a present. Maybe it's mine and they decided to cut out the middle man," Declan says, shrugging. It's not something he wants to think about overly much, not when he's not seen her in a week.

He wraps his arm around her waist and catches her chin in his hand. "May I kiss you, love?"

[girlsolo]

"I don't think it works like that. I mean, it might give you something to give me, I guess, but it would probably still come to you." She's not sure why she thinks that. It just doesn't really make sense any other way.

But since he didn't get it for her, she kind of doesn't want to be wearing it. It's not hers and it feels weird. "Let me just take it off before we kiss and make up. I don't... it's weird. If it's not from you, I don't think I want it." And she definitely doesn't want him kissing her while she's wearing it.

[duerespectguv]

"That's fine," Declan says, frowning slightly. He doesn't want her to feel out of sorts, not when they've been off all week, and if taking the bracelet off helps, he's happy to wait.

"For what it's worth, I wish I had gotten it for you. You deserve it."

[girlsolo]

She's not sure what to say to that or any of the things it makes her feel, so she just kind of shrugs and says, "Thanks," quietly, while she's taking the bracelet off. Wouldn't you know it went on easily enough. Like it was freaking made for her, but she can't get the clasp to release with one hand right now.

No, her fingers aren't shaking. Whatever. She holds her wrist out to him. "Can you? It's hard to do one-handed."

[duerespectguv]

"I've got it," Declan promises, unhooking the clasp and leaning in to kiss the inside of her wrist lightly as he pulls the bracelet off. He wishes he'd lied, almost, just because seeing her bothered by it is worse than just about anything he can imagine.

"Love you, Katie."

[girlsolo]

Once it's off, Kate feels better. She's not sure why, but the bracelet just showing up creeps her out. So even though his lips against her wrist make her shiver and her chest tightens at hearing him say he loves her, she asks, "Can you just... put it somewhere I can't see it? I know it's weird. I just... I'll take it to the IPD in the morning. Maybe someone lost it."

It's not like her to get so rattled but with Jack disappearing and William and everything, it's been a long week. This fucking island has her turned so far inside out, she doesn't even know what's like her anymore.

[duerespectguv]

"What? Yeah, I'll move it," Declan promises, taking the bracelet and tucking it away on the other side of the room before moving back to her.

"We don't have to...we can just kiss, if that's better. If this has shaken you up, I don't want to force things, you know?"

[girlsolo]

Kate rolls her eyes at him from across the room. "Don't start that again." But it's not pissy at all, more teasing, and when he comes back to her, she slides her arms around him again. "I'm fine. Nothing being with you can't fix. Just..."

Just... a lot of things. "A friend's husband disappeared today. She's pregnant and they were raising that kid. The one I told you about. William? The one whose mom and sort-of-dad disappeared? Me and Savannah watched him while she kind of pulled herself together. But I couldn't stop thinking it could've been you. Or Will or Magnus." Even Tesla, she'd miss at this point. But not that much. "Or Bells or Coraline or Cissie or Phoebe or Buffy and..." Kate huffs out a sigh and tips her chin to look up at him. "And for a chick who spent her life with one foot out the door, I've got way too fucking many ties, babe. Way too many people I don't want to lose and no control over it. I guess, the bracelet kind of just drives that home. That's all."

For a chick who doesn't talk, when she decides to, fuck, does she ever do a bang up job of spilling all her insecurities at once. Nice one, Kate. Sigh.

[duerespectguv]

"It sometimes comes down to a choice of whether you want to be alone or risk being hurt," Declan says after a long moment, unsure of what to say to comfort her.

"But it's not something I understand all that well, the disappearance thing. It hasn't happened to anyone I'm close to yet."

Problem being, of course, that Declan hasn't gotten close to anyone since showing up on the island. He's got most of his team and his girl so he hasn't really...branched out. He'd miss Auggie, probably, or Phoebe, but nobody else outside of team.

"It's something I saw James struggle with, though. So I...I'm rambling, love, come kiss me? I want to kiss you again."

[girlsolo]

Kate shrugs when he says he hasn't lost anyone. She wants to remind him he lost James or he's lost his family coming here, and he really does know how it feels. But she'd have to hurt him to do it and she's hurt him enough this week. Hurt them enough.

Doesn't matter anyway. Nothing he can do about it by understanding it, she guesses. It's not going to change anything and words don't help.

"Yeah," she says quietly instead and presses up to her toes to kiss him, just a light brush of their mouths together. "I missed you, Declan. It sucked. If you left now..." Her voice catches and she has to squeeze her eyes shut to stop the emotion from streaking down her face. "Just don't. Don't leave. Okay?"

[duerespectguv]

"Not ever by choice," Declan says firmly. He's not stupid enough to say he won't ever, he can't control the island's whims, but he can control his own. He cups her face in his hands and leans in for a hotter kiss, longer, deeper.

"Need you, Katie."

[girlsolo]

"Okay," she whispers, both to as close to a promise as he can give and to him needing her. Her skin aches, hot and flushed, and her face is hot too with all the not-crying she's doing. His hands feel cool and perfect against her face and she can't believe she stayed away from him for seven days again.

"Bed, babe? I want..." Everything. She wants to be under him, wants to be his. Wants him to make her forget this place, this week, Jack disappearing, William losing another parent, everything. But she doesn't want a fight about whether he can be what she needs because he is when he stops thinking about what he should or shouldn't do and just does what their bodies want. Kate squeezes her eyes shut and runs her hands down his arms. "Make me forget everything but you."

He should know...he should remember what that means.

[duerespectguv]

He knows what it means and he needs it as much as she seems to, at the moment. "Nothing to remember right now but us," he says lowly, kissing her forehead, her cheeks, her mouth. It's true enough - there's nothing he wants more than to take away some of the hurt of the last few days. He tugs at her hand to take her back to bed.

"Come on, then?"

[girlsolo]

Us. God, that word used to give her hives. Now it just feels like something sliding into lock, sun on her face, relief. The way he kisses her after just should make her cringe but it can't, when her heart's doing flip flops in her chest and she's missed him so much.

"I forget," she murmurs when she winds her arms around his neck, then draws her legs up his to wrap around his hips. When she said nothing but him, she meant nothing. Not even the floor. Kate quirks a grin against his mouth for that thought and then brushes her mouth against his. "When we're apart, I forget how good this feels."

[duerespectguv]

Declan slides his arms around her to support her as he carries her back. She's slight, for how strong she is, and in moments like this it's only highlighted.

He walks them into the bedroom, slow and steady, and lays her down.

"This better, then?"

[girlsolo]

"No." Kate pulls out the bedroom eyes and sultry not-really-pouting pout, then hooks her fingers in the neck of his shirt and tugs him down. "There are still clothes and distance and not enough you involved."

It's not necessary and she knows it, but a little baby I want you's never a bad thing. Especially when it's so fucking true it hurts.

[duerespectguv]

"Not enough me? How much me do you want?" Declan teases, sliding his hands under her shirt to help tug it off. He needs them skin to skin sooner rather than later and the way Kate's acting, he suspects that she agrees. It's never a bad thing, when they're physical instead of trying to use their words.

"Love you, Katie."