[For Savannah] I gave it my soul so I could survive

[girlsolo]

By late afternoon, Kate's done all the crying she can stand. Bonny's whining sounds like a banshee or an abandoned child and Kate just can't fucking take it. She can't take staring at the walls or the sky or this stupid Western town. Maybe she should be glad it's not where she spent most of her life on the island with Declan, but right now it just feels like one more reminder he's gone. One more reminder she fucked up and he's gone and maybe she'll never see him again except on the reels. One more reminder that if he's gone, Will could be gone tomorrow, or Helen or Tesla or Jim or Steve or Bella or Savannah or William or...

It's one more fucking reminder that this place isn't home. She's not safe. No one is.

She decides to walk down to the Compound again. This'll be the third time today, but it might be the first time she's spoken. Might. She glares daggers at anyone she sees on the way. Not even her chicks are stupid enough to try to talk to her with the black cloud over her head and the lightning in her eyes. Jim or Steve or Aidan or Will might be, but she doesn't run into them.

That's good. She can't. She can't do that right now.

What she can do is leave a note for Will to tell Magnus and Tesla and leave notes for Sam and William that she can't sit for William for awhile. Because. Because Sam kept her chin up when her husband and the father of her baby and a man Dr. J says she loved for 12 years disappeared. Because Aidan watched The Three Stooges when Martha and Alfie disappeared. Because she and Declan agreed to leave each other notes once in every twenty-four hours if they hadn't seen each other, even if they were fighting, and she'll never get another note from him.

And because she is still here and the kids in the Children's Office need stability, she can go there. It's a contradiction. Ass-backwards that she can't privately babysit for William who she loves like family but she can't not go do her job. It's the same bullshit seesaw as wanting to strap on guns and water and run out into the desert one minute and wanting to find everyone she cares about, make sure they're okay, and go hug some of them and never let go the next.

She fucking hates this island. There's nowhere to go and no reason to stay and everyone reason to stay and finally miles and miles and miles to run all at once. No, she doesn't hate the island. Not today.

Today, she just hates herself. But she's pasting on her best pokerface (won't fool Will, but it should slide by Savannah) and walking through the door to work. William runs up to give her a high-five and the note she left in the mailbox suddenly seems flat. Wrong. She gives him his high-five, then winks (because he knows he's not supposed to be her favorite at work), and fights off the desperate urge to pick him up and hug him. Hopefully fast enough Savannah won't notice.

Comments

[seeyousoonthen]

Savannah watched Kate for a bit from where she attended to the babies. She could see that there was something on the woman's mind, though Savannah couldn't guess what. Something, though. When she finished up with her last diaper and had washed her hand she went over to where Kate was and gave her a long look before she even thought of speaking.

"You okay?" she finally asked. She was always a bit concerned when Kate didn't seem like herself.

[girlsolo]

Kate had thought she'd slipped it by Savannah, what with getting right to work, but it turns out that no. Savannah's gotten to know her well enough she can read her. Either that or Kate's pokerface just sucks these days.

She firms it up again. C'mon, Freelander. You're good at lies. "Yeah, fine," she says, picking up a broken piece of chalk from the floor. "Why?"

It comes out fine, but there's part of her trying to figure out why she's lying to Savannah about it in the first place.

[seeyousoonthen]

"You just look a little...I don't know," Savannah siad. Kate's eyes were a little puffy but that could be anything. There was just something lacking. A certain sparkle.

"You know, you don't have to be here if you don't feel up to it," she said, just a gentle suggestion.

[girlsolo]

"I said I'm fine, Savannah." She turns away, shoulders tight and eyes down. In all the time she's known her, Kate hasn't ever said anything that sharp to Savannah. For someone else, it wouldn't even be sharp. But with Savannah...

Kate sighs quietly. "Sorry. I just need to keep busy. Keep my mind off things."

[seeyousoonthen]

"What kinds of things, Kate?" she pressed, ever gentle but insistent, wearing away at the other woman like water. Even the slowest stream could break down a stone.

[girlsolo]

"I don't want to talk about it, Savannah." Kate knows how Savannah can be, how she gets her to talk, even when Kate doesn't want to. Her shoulders shift and her jaw's tight with the feelings she's got locked down as hard as she can. "I really don't. But you're not going to stop, so I'm going to tell you and then we're not going to talk about it. Okay?"

[seeyousoonthen]

She nodded solemnly, her eyes wide and strangely piercing as she watched Kate for an answer. She'd always been good at listening and she knew when to be quiet and allow someone to come to the truth in their own time.

[girlsolo]

It takes awhile, Kate shifting her weight and squaring up like she's about to give Magnus a report she's not going to want to hear. "Declan's gone," she finally says and it's toneless, as flat as the black of her gaze. "He's gone. His dog won't stop crying like someone stabbed her and he's not coming back."

[seeyousoonthen]

Savannah inhaled deeply, not in shock but to steady herself. Kate's words brought back to her the visceral memory of when Peter vanished, her first real friend here who had simply been gone one morning. It was harder than death when someone was just gone. No goodbyeonly grieving. She understood why his dog would cry. And she understood when a person just couldn't. When it was all stopped up and threatened to come out but was blocked by something so powerful.

"You shouldn't be here, Kate," she said. "You should go home. I know you want to keep busy but you need time for yourself."

[girlsolo]

"The last thing I need is time for myself." She took all the time for herself she needed. Last week and the week before that and the week before that and every week since Declan got to the island, she took all the time she needed and more, just to make sure she didn't lose herself, her independence, and now she just wishes she had all of that time back to spend with him.

"I'm done talking about this. The kids expect me to be here today, so I'm here." Her tone's still flat and her hands are shaking, so she shoves them in her pockets. "Let's get back to work."

[seeyousoonthen]

"You're no good to anyone like this and the kids will pick up on it, Kate. Go," Savannah said more firmly. She wasn't going to have the woman here just to hide from her feelings. It wasn't good for her and it wasn't good for the little ones.

[girlsolo]

"Go? That's what you have to say to me?" Christ. Kate has the sense to keep her voice low, but she's so pissed. "I rob a bank and you're all sympathy and hugs, but my boyfriend disappears and you tell me to get out?"

She shakes her head. "Fine. You know what? Yeah. I'm going. I quit."

[seeyousoonthen]

Savannah put her hands on her his and glared at Kate.

"Now there's no call for that," she said. "But you can't tell me you're in a good place, Kate. These kids are my priority before anything and everything else. You want to quit then you come tell me that tomorrow."

She knew for a fact that people said things in the moment that they wished they could take back and she was doing her gosh darned best to keep her tongue civil.

[girlsolo]

"Yeah, well. They were my priority too. That's why I was here. And since you've made it so clear I'm not good for them, I'll be going. Don't expect to see me back." Tomorrow or the next day or the next.

She turns on her heel, forces herself calm when she realizes the kids don't need any part of this, and walks out. William grabs at her hand and she stops long enough to slide her fingers through his hair, but it chokes up her voice, so she just winks at him again and leaves.