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girlsoloKate's mouth is dry and sour with too much alcohol, even though she can taste the remnants of toothpaste mint. The body next to her is warm, but soft and unfamiliar. It takes her a minute to place it as Rizzo. To recall being at the Winchester and luring the younger (weird) woman back to her hut with promises of scorching hot sex, and then putting her to bed with nothing like it. It wasn't that she would never have sex with her, but she'd been too drunk to know what she wanted. And, more importantly, Kate had made a promise. A promise that Declan would never walk in on her fucking someone else.
A promise that is suddenly incredibly important while she blinks her eyes to adjust to the dark. What woke her was apparently a familiar knock, far more familiar than the body in her bed. "Fuck," she hisses, and when Rizzo stirs in her drunken sleep, Kate makes a soothing sound and gets up.
She goes to the door in a cami and panties, then realizes it might not be Declan and pulls on a hideous pair of pajama pants that hang super-low on her hips. When she opens the door, she slips out and shuts it behind her. "Hey," she says softly to the large, solid shape in her path that is definitely Declan. Hopefully he won't ask why she's not inviting him in.
They have an agreement now but it doesn't mean Declan doesn't miss her, because he does, and coming to see her this late is courting trouble but he's willing to risk it if it means he can see her laugh and smile for a while. It's strange that she's come out instead of letting him in, though, and he cocks his head at her.
"Everyone in the network's heard about how messy you are, Kate, you're not going to hide anything from me."
He doesn't know if that's still true anymore but he couples it with a smile and a laugh, hoping the tease breaks some of their ever-present tension.
She smiles, but her tongue catches against her teeth, the smartass quip just drying up before she even starts. Hide anything from me. "I don't have anything to hide, babe. I just have company I'd rather not wake." It's a little defensive, because she's not sure he's going to believe her that she kept her promise.
"Magnus?" Declan asks, tone inquisitive but not outright accusatory. She's made him a promise and he's not going to assume she broke it just because there's someone else in her hut. If it's Magnus and she's had a bad go of it, Kate's right to keep everyone else out. Otherwise, well, Declan might have reasons to worry.
"I know she lost a friend, recently, but I didn't think she was doing poorly."
It burns that she could lie. He'd never know and never have reason to doubt her. But she's not going to. She shakes her head but doesn't look away. "Not Magnus. A girl I brought home from the bar." Part of her is tempted, sorely, to leave it and wait for the accusation to fly. "Not for sex."
If it's not for sex, is it companionship? Is she seeking out emotional comfort from someone who isn't him because he's fucked it all up? Declan doesn't want to jump to conclusions but everything in him tightens, coiled and ready to break it off if it's something she's done that affects what they have.
"Right then," he manages and hopes that doesn't sound too angry. "I didn't know, obviously, and I'm sorry I've interrupted...whatever you're doing that isn't sex."
Christ, he's relieved it's not sex.
Now the burn becomes a stinging ache in her chest, her eyes, her jaw. He gets to her. Gets under her skin like no one else. "Sleeping, Declan," she snaps. "We're sleeping. She was drunk and spinning out and I seduced her out of the bar and brought her back here before someone could hurt her."
Her arms come up beneath her breasts, strong and defensive at the same time. She can almost make out his eyes now, but she kind of hopes he can't see hers. See how much it fucking hurts that he won't trust her when she's being good.
He feels worse, now, because she's done nothing but a good deed and gotten punished by him sloshing his insecurities all over her. It's hardly fair to Kate and he reaches for her, thumb brushing lightly against her cheek.
"I'm an ass, aren't I?"
"Yeah," she says but there's no real bite to it. Kate's just trying not to throw herself into his arms. She sets her jaw, teeth clenched, and just doesn't fucking let herself tip her head into his hand.
"I'm sorry I didn't trust you," Declan says softly but he doesn't know if that does anything to erase the fact that he hadn't trusted her. Kate's loyalty, from what he's seen, is nigh unshakeable once someone's earned it.
"How can I make it up to you?"
All of the answers that Kate's sleepy brain supplies are completely unacceptable, both for speaking out loud and for thinking at all. Wanting him and flirting in notes and thinking about wanting him and not having sex with him and missing him and missing home, it's all a huge clusterfuck.
"Could fuck me," she tries out, looking for the sharp edged snark and getting something sullen and tired instead.
"Tell me you won't fuck anyone else if I do," Declan says, taking in a ragged breath. It's not something he has infinite patience for, by any stretch, and she tempts him even when he's not at rock bottom and coming to see her at night because he misses her.
"Tell me that and we'll go back to my place right now."
"I can't!" Kate explodes at him, shoving at his chest. Does he fucking think she's doing this for her? Her eyes are dark, hurt and accusing. She's following his rules, depriving them both of what they want. It's past want now and she doesn't know what to do about it.
Her head drops forward, hands lacing behind it and tugging it down, closing herself in. "Don't you think I want to?" It's pathetic. Almost a whimper. Fucking hell.
"I know you do, love," Declan says and he's almost as bad off as she looks. He risks reaching for her, though, arm wrapping around her waist in an attempt to bring her close. He can't fuck her but he can give her this and he hopes it'll be enough to stave off how fucking desperate he gets for her.
"I want it too."
He's lucky she needs this more than she's pissed at him. Lucky she'd rather be in his arms than beat the crap out of him. It doesn't stop her from slamming an impotent punch against his good shoulder. Or swearing a string of nasty curses under her breath.
"Be honest, Kate. Tell the truth, Kate. Don't be selfish, Kate. Think of someone else, Kate." Her breathing's ragged, voice bitter. "I could lie. I could make sure you never knew if I screwed up. But I told the truth and you're punishing me for it."
"I don't mean it as punishment," Declan says quietly, not really sure what to say. He didn't trust her and that's made a mess of this, at least in part. "It's just, when you come to bed with me, I want to know it's just me. I want to know that when you look at me like I'm the only person in the world that it's true. I want more than just easy sex with you, Katie, and that's why I've done this. Only reason. And I was wrong not to trust you."
"Screw that." She means not trusting her. "Yeah. I was ticked, but it's not like I've earned it. So, whatever. There's a chick in my bed, you know I do chicks, I won't let you in." Kate shrugs tightly and steps away from him. "What else are you supposed to think? It'd be nice, yeah, but I'm not getting my panties in a knot about it."
Her heart's pounding and her adrenaline's up. She needs to calm the fuck down or this is going nowhere good fast. "C'mere," she says roughly and spins away to drop down to the steps of the porch.
Declan follows because he doesn't really have any other option and he wants badly just to be easy with her for a little while. No anger, no upset, just he and Kate together. When he sits beside her, he ruffles her hair lightly.
"So. Let's try again, yeah? Hello, Katie."
She ducks away from his hand and glares across her shoulder. "Not ready to try again yet, Declan. I need... fuck, Will's probably laughing his ass off somewhere. I can't even believe I'm saying this. I need to talk to you."
"Talk, then. I'm listening." Declan hopes it doesn't sound sharp, he doesn't mean it to be, and he suspects shutting her out when she needs to be open to him isn't a good idea no matter how much he wants to sweep his earlier behavior under the rug.
Exhaling slowly, Kate nods. She's quiet for a minute, then folds herself down over her knees. "I've never done this before. Been with someone. Had a relationship. This...you and me...I can't lose it. I can't break it. You're the last tie I have to home, Declan, and I never had one of those before either. Not really." How screwed up is it that she's crying and she's not even trying to stop? "Maybe to you it seems like that should make it easy. But it doesn't. When I get boxed in or scared, I run. When I run, I do stupid shit. I hurt people. I don't want to be with anyone else. I really don't. But I'd rather you want me and not have me than not want me. If I told you I wouldn't be with anyone else, I would try. I would try my hardest, and maybe it would be enough."
She lifts her head again and just looks at him. "But what if I try and I screw up anyway? I can't... I can't take that chance right now."
"I can't pretend to understand what that's like," Declan starts out. It's not the best start, maybe, but it's the best he can come up with at the moment. "I like relationships. It's hard for me to get to know a woman because I'm confident, yeah, but I don't tell my secrets. It's hard to be intimate with someone if you can't share with them and then there's you, and you're in the network, and every time I see you I want to put my hands on you."
He brushes tears from her face with his thumb. "It's hard for me to let you run when all I want is you. Sorry for that."
Kate closes her eyes so she doesn't have to see him drying the tears she doesn't want to know she's crying. "I'm not running." That's the thing. If she were running, there'd be no crying. There'd be no finding her. No cornering her. No making her feel like this. "I'm making my apologies. I'm doing my community service. I'm keeping my promises to you. I'm not running, Declan. I'm just looking for a solid place to make a stand."
"I've got your back, then. Always," Declan says and it's not just the way he'd have her in a firefight. She's his touchstone to home, too, and she's the only one who's from near where he's from in the timeline and it's easier to connect with her than Magnus, Zimmerman or Tesla.
"No matter what."
She wants to tell him not to make that promise because he can't keep it. He won't, not if she promises him exclusivity and freaks out and ends up in someone else's bed. Tonight she's too tired to fight anymore. Maybe he understands better than he did. She just hopes she figures it out before he disappears. Like Juliet.
"...kiss me?" If he's gone in the morning, she wants to remember that.
Kissing, he can do, and it's natural enough to cup her cheek and lean in to slant his mouth over hers. She's a little wound up and so is he and he hopes the kiss will help calm them both down but it's probably in vain; kissing Kate hasn't ever really relaxed him and especially not when he wants her this much and can't have her.
All the frantic emotion melts away under his mouth. He still cares. She's still 'Katie'. She hasn't broken them yet. She slips into his lap like they've been doing this forever (maybe they have; it never felt like a first kiss to her), and offers up with a soft, yielding sound. Maybe he can feel what she can't say and he can't understand. He's the best thing that's happened to her since Magnus and maybe ever.
*Title and lj cut lyrics from Pat Benatar's We Belong.
A promise that is suddenly incredibly important while she blinks her eyes to adjust to the dark. What woke her was apparently a familiar knock, far more familiar than the body in her bed. "Fuck," she hisses, and when Rizzo stirs in her drunken sleep, Kate makes a soothing sound and gets up.
She goes to the door in a cami and panties, then realizes it might not be Declan and pulls on a hideous pair of pajama pants that hang super-low on her hips. When she opens the door, she slips out and shuts it behind her. "Hey," she says softly to the large, solid shape in her path that is definitely Declan. Hopefully he won't ask why she's not inviting him in.
They have an agreement now but it doesn't mean Declan doesn't miss her, because he does, and coming to see her this late is courting trouble but he's willing to risk it if it means he can see her laugh and smile for a while. It's strange that she's come out instead of letting him in, though, and he cocks his head at her.
"Everyone in the network's heard about how messy you are, Kate, you're not going to hide anything from me."
He doesn't know if that's still true anymore but he couples it with a smile and a laugh, hoping the tease breaks some of their ever-present tension.
She smiles, but her tongue catches against her teeth, the smartass quip just drying up before she even starts. Hide anything from me. "I don't have anything to hide, babe. I just have company I'd rather not wake." It's a little defensive, because she's not sure he's going to believe her that she kept her promise.
"Magnus?" Declan asks, tone inquisitive but not outright accusatory. She's made him a promise and he's not going to assume she broke it just because there's someone else in her hut. If it's Magnus and she's had a bad go of it, Kate's right to keep everyone else out. Otherwise, well, Declan might have reasons to worry.
"I know she lost a friend, recently, but I didn't think she was doing poorly."
It burns that she could lie. He'd never know and never have reason to doubt her. But she's not going to. She shakes her head but doesn't look away. "Not Magnus. A girl I brought home from the bar." Part of her is tempted, sorely, to leave it and wait for the accusation to fly. "Not for sex."
If it's not for sex, is it companionship? Is she seeking out emotional comfort from someone who isn't him because he's fucked it all up? Declan doesn't want to jump to conclusions but everything in him tightens, coiled and ready to break it off if it's something she's done that affects what they have.
"Right then," he manages and hopes that doesn't sound too angry. "I didn't know, obviously, and I'm sorry I've interrupted...whatever you're doing that isn't sex."
Christ, he's relieved it's not sex.
Now the burn becomes a stinging ache in her chest, her eyes, her jaw. He gets to her. Gets under her skin like no one else. "Sleeping, Declan," she snaps. "We're sleeping. She was drunk and spinning out and I seduced her out of the bar and brought her back here before someone could hurt her."
Her arms come up beneath her breasts, strong and defensive at the same time. She can almost make out his eyes now, but she kind of hopes he can't see hers. See how much it fucking hurts that he won't trust her when she's being good.
He feels worse, now, because she's done nothing but a good deed and gotten punished by him sloshing his insecurities all over her. It's hardly fair to Kate and he reaches for her, thumb brushing lightly against her cheek.
"I'm an ass, aren't I?"
"Yeah," she says but there's no real bite to it. Kate's just trying not to throw herself into his arms. She sets her jaw, teeth clenched, and just doesn't fucking let herself tip her head into his hand.
"I'm sorry I didn't trust you," Declan says softly but he doesn't know if that does anything to erase the fact that he hadn't trusted her. Kate's loyalty, from what he's seen, is nigh unshakeable once someone's earned it.
"How can I make it up to you?"
All of the answers that Kate's sleepy brain supplies are completely unacceptable, both for speaking out loud and for thinking at all. Wanting him and flirting in notes and thinking about wanting him and not having sex with him and missing him and missing home, it's all a huge clusterfuck.
"Could fuck me," she tries out, looking for the sharp edged snark and getting something sullen and tired instead.
"Tell me you won't fuck anyone else if I do," Declan says, taking in a ragged breath. It's not something he has infinite patience for, by any stretch, and she tempts him even when he's not at rock bottom and coming to see her at night because he misses her.
"Tell me that and we'll go back to my place right now."
"I can't!" Kate explodes at him, shoving at his chest. Does he fucking think she's doing this for her? Her eyes are dark, hurt and accusing. She's following his rules, depriving them both of what they want. It's past want now and she doesn't know what to do about it.
Her head drops forward, hands lacing behind it and tugging it down, closing herself in. "Don't you think I want to?" It's pathetic. Almost a whimper. Fucking hell.
"I know you do, love," Declan says and he's almost as bad off as she looks. He risks reaching for her, though, arm wrapping around her waist in an attempt to bring her close. He can't fuck her but he can give her this and he hopes it'll be enough to stave off how fucking desperate he gets for her.
"I want it too."
He's lucky she needs this more than she's pissed at him. Lucky she'd rather be in his arms than beat the crap out of him. It doesn't stop her from slamming an impotent punch against his good shoulder. Or swearing a string of nasty curses under her breath.
"Be honest, Kate. Tell the truth, Kate. Don't be selfish, Kate. Think of someone else, Kate." Her breathing's ragged, voice bitter. "I could lie. I could make sure you never knew if I screwed up. But I told the truth and you're punishing me for it."
"I don't mean it as punishment," Declan says quietly, not really sure what to say. He didn't trust her and that's made a mess of this, at least in part. "It's just, when you come to bed with me, I want to know it's just me. I want to know that when you look at me like I'm the only person in the world that it's true. I want more than just easy sex with you, Katie, and that's why I've done this. Only reason. And I was wrong not to trust you."
"Screw that." She means not trusting her. "Yeah. I was ticked, but it's not like I've earned it. So, whatever. There's a chick in my bed, you know I do chicks, I won't let you in." Kate shrugs tightly and steps away from him. "What else are you supposed to think? It'd be nice, yeah, but I'm not getting my panties in a knot about it."
Her heart's pounding and her adrenaline's up. She needs to calm the fuck down or this is going nowhere good fast. "C'mere," she says roughly and spins away to drop down to the steps of the porch.
Declan follows because he doesn't really have any other option and he wants badly just to be easy with her for a little while. No anger, no upset, just he and Kate together. When he sits beside her, he ruffles her hair lightly.
"So. Let's try again, yeah? Hello, Katie."
She ducks away from his hand and glares across her shoulder. "Not ready to try again yet, Declan. I need... fuck, Will's probably laughing his ass off somewhere. I can't even believe I'm saying this. I need to talk to you."
"Talk, then. I'm listening." Declan hopes it doesn't sound sharp, he doesn't mean it to be, and he suspects shutting her out when she needs to be open to him isn't a good idea no matter how much he wants to sweep his earlier behavior under the rug.
Exhaling slowly, Kate nods. She's quiet for a minute, then folds herself down over her knees. "I've never done this before. Been with someone. Had a relationship. This...you and me...I can't lose it. I can't break it. You're the last tie I have to home, Declan, and I never had one of those before either. Not really." How screwed up is it that she's crying and she's not even trying to stop? "Maybe to you it seems like that should make it easy. But it doesn't. When I get boxed in or scared, I run. When I run, I do stupid shit. I hurt people. I don't want to be with anyone else. I really don't. But I'd rather you want me and not have me than not want me. If I told you I wouldn't be with anyone else, I would try. I would try my hardest, and maybe it would be enough."
She lifts her head again and just looks at him. "But what if I try and I screw up anyway? I can't... I can't take that chance right now."
"I can't pretend to understand what that's like," Declan starts out. It's not the best start, maybe, but it's the best he can come up with at the moment. "I like relationships. It's hard for me to get to know a woman because I'm confident, yeah, but I don't tell my secrets. It's hard to be intimate with someone if you can't share with them and then there's you, and you're in the network, and every time I see you I want to put my hands on you."
He brushes tears from her face with his thumb. "It's hard for me to let you run when all I want is you. Sorry for that."
Kate closes her eyes so she doesn't have to see him drying the tears she doesn't want to know she's crying. "I'm not running." That's the thing. If she were running, there'd be no crying. There'd be no finding her. No cornering her. No making her feel like this. "I'm making my apologies. I'm doing my community service. I'm keeping my promises to you. I'm not running, Declan. I'm just looking for a solid place to make a stand."
"I've got your back, then. Always," Declan says and it's not just the way he'd have her in a firefight. She's his touchstone to home, too, and she's the only one who's from near where he's from in the timeline and it's easier to connect with her than Magnus, Zimmerman or Tesla.
"No matter what."
She wants to tell him not to make that promise because he can't keep it. He won't, not if she promises him exclusivity and freaks out and ends up in someone else's bed. Tonight she's too tired to fight anymore. Maybe he understands better than he did. She just hopes she figures it out before he disappears. Like Juliet.
"...kiss me?" If he's gone in the morning, she wants to remember that.
Kissing, he can do, and it's natural enough to cup her cheek and lean in to slant his mouth over hers. She's a little wound up and so is he and he hopes the kiss will help calm them both down but it's probably in vain; kissing Kate hasn't ever really relaxed him and especially not when he wants her this much and can't have her.
All the frantic emotion melts away under his mouth. He still cares. She's still 'Katie'. She hasn't broken them yet. She slips into his lap like they've been doing this forever (maybe they have; it never felt like a first kiss to her), and offers up with a soft, yielding sound. Maybe he can feel what she can't say and he can't understand. He's the best thing that's happened to her since Magnus and maybe ever.
*Title and lj cut lyrics from Pat Benatar's We Belong.
