girlsolo | [For Declan] Jan 22: when I don't know what to say

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[For Declan] Jan 22: when I don't know what to say

She's been here since September. Been through people getting powers, people coming, people going, the island itself changing, finding out that she's maybe fictional or some kind of crap, but it's really not until today Kate's realized just how much this place fucks with her. Over breakfast, she finds out one of the people she really likes and respects lost her husband and now she's like five months pregnant and raising the kid of someone else who left her. By herself. The kid - who she fucking loves, okay? and, whatever, just she does - lost his mom, his uncle, and now his step-dad in a place that's way too safe for death to be something you just get like she and Thad did.

And when she comes home to detox for an hour before going to make up with her boyfriend, because she's been a complete fucking jackass for a week and he could just disappear any second without her ever getting to fix it, there's this sweet set up on her porch. A laptop with a huge screen and killer resolution, long life batteries, cords, speakers, HDMI for TV hookup, seriously everything a chick could want. There's a gold bow on top and a card that says "For Kate Freelander," and when she powers it up, it's got a sick media library. Movies, tv, music, games. She's not even sure whether to laugh or cry. Which she doesn't do. Cry. Not much. Not often. Not because it's weak or whatever. It's just not her thing.

She shakes her head and packs it all up in one of her woven hemp bags. Cleans herself up. Then spends about ten minutes deciding what face she's wearing when she goes to see Declan. Leather, lace, trench coat? She lines her eyes with some kohl and smudges some berry colored stain on her mouth but she's still not sure. Maybe jewelry will settle it. With a flick of her hand, she opens the box (not her box, and fuck if she doesn't miss that) and --

The light catches on a flash of bright silver and deep, rich blue. It's beautiful.

Kate doesn't cry, but when she lifts out the bracelet and slides it around her wrist, the kohl on her eyes smears and her lashes are wet. No one's ever given her anything like this before. She's an idiot.

* * *

Half an hour later, she's on Declan's doorstep with their new system, wearing refreshed makeup, the bracelet he gave her, and a straight-up Kate face. Black leather, black lace, blue top and jeans. She knocks because it's been a week and he won't be expecting her.

"Declan?"

*
Title lyrics from Pat Benatar's We Belong.

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"I don't think it works like that. I mean, it might give you something to give me, I guess, but it would probably still come to you." She's not sure why she thinks that. It just doesn't really make sense any other way.

But since he didn't get it for her, she kind of doesn't want to be wearing it. It's not hers and it feels weird. "Let me just take it off before we kiss and make up. I don't... it's weird. If it's not from you, I don't think I want it." And she definitely doesn't want him kissing her while she's wearing it.

"That's fine," Declan says, frowning slightly. He doesn't want her to feel out of sorts, not when they've been off all week, and if taking the bracelet off helps, he's happy to wait.

"For what it's worth, I wish I had gotten it for you. You deserve it."

She's not sure what to say to that or any of the things it makes her feel, so she just kind of shrugs and says, "Thanks," quietly, while she's taking the bracelet off. Wouldn't you know it went on easily enough. Like it was freaking made for her, but she can't get the clasp to release with one hand right now.

No, her fingers aren't shaking. Whatever. She holds her wrist out to him. "Can you? It's hard to do one-handed."

"I've got it," Declan promises, unhooking the clasp and leaning in to kiss the inside of her wrist lightly as he pulls the bracelet off. He wishes he'd lied, almost, just because seeing her bothered by it is worse than just about anything he can imagine.

"Love you, Katie."

Once it's off, Kate feels better. She's not sure why, but the bracelet just showing up creeps her out. So even though his lips against her wrist make her shiver and her chest tightens at hearing him say he loves her, she asks, "Can you just... put it somewhere I can't see it? I know it's weird. I just... I'll take it to the IPD in the morning. Maybe someone lost it."

It's not like her to get so rattled but with Jack disappearing and William and everything, it's been a long week. This fucking island has her turned so far inside out, she doesn't even know what's like her anymore.

"What? Yeah, I'll move it," Declan promises, taking the bracelet and tucking it away on the other side of the room before moving back to her.

"We don't have to...we can just kiss, if that's better. If this has shaken you up, I don't want to force things, you know?"

Kate rolls her eyes at him from across the room. "Don't start that again." But it's not pissy at all, more teasing, and when he comes back to her, she slides her arms around him again. "I'm fine. Nothing being with you can't fix. Just..."

Just... a lot of things. "A friend's husband disappeared today. She's pregnant and they were raising that kid. The one I told you about. William? The one whose mom and sort-of-dad disappeared? Me and Savannah watched him while she kind of pulled herself together. But I couldn't stop thinking it could've been you. Or Will or Magnus." Even Tesla, she'd miss at this point. But not that much. "Or Bells or Coraline or Cissie or Phoebe or Buffy and..." Kate huffs out a sigh and tips her chin to look up at him. "And for a chick who spent her life with one foot out the door, I've got way too fucking many ties, babe. Way too many people I don't want to lose and no control over it. I guess, the bracelet kind of just drives that home. That's all."

For a chick who doesn't talk, when she decides to, fuck, does she ever do a bang up job of spilling all her insecurities at once. Nice one, Kate. Sigh.

"It sometimes comes down to a choice of whether you want to be alone or risk being hurt," Declan says after a long moment, unsure of what to say to comfort her.

"But it's not something I understand all that well, the disappearance thing. It hasn't happened to anyone I'm close to yet."

Problem being, of course, that Declan hasn't gotten close to anyone since showing up on the island. He's got most of his team and his girl so he hasn't really...branched out. He'd miss Auggie, probably, or Phoebe, but nobody else outside of team.

"It's something I saw James struggle with, though. So I...I'm rambling, love, come kiss me? I want to kiss you again."

Kate shrugs when he says he hasn't lost anyone. She wants to remind him he lost James or he's lost his family coming here, and he really does know how it feels. But she'd have to hurt him to do it and she's hurt him enough this week. Hurt them enough.

Doesn't matter anyway. Nothing he can do about it by understanding it, she guesses. It's not going to change anything and words don't help.

"Yeah," she says quietly instead and presses up to her toes to kiss him, just a light brush of their mouths together. "I missed you, Declan. It sucked. If you left now..." Her voice catches and she has to squeeze her eyes shut to stop the emotion from streaking down her face. "Just don't. Don't leave. Okay?"

"Not ever by choice," Declan says firmly. He's not stupid enough to say he won't ever, he can't control the island's whims, but he can control his own. He cups her face in his hands and leans in for a hotter kiss, longer, deeper.

"Need you, Katie."

"Okay," she whispers, both to as close to a promise as he can give and to him needing her. Her skin aches, hot and flushed, and her face is hot too with all the not-crying she's doing. His hands feel cool and perfect against her face and she can't believe she stayed away from him for seven days again.

"Bed, babe? I want..." Everything. She wants to be under him, wants to be his. Wants him to make her forget this place, this week, Jack disappearing, William losing another parent, everything. But she doesn't want a fight about whether he can be what she needs because he is when he stops thinking about what he should or shouldn't do and just does what their bodies want. Kate squeezes her eyes shut and runs her hands down his arms. "Make me forget everything but you."

He should know...he should remember what that means.

He knows what it means and he needs it as much as she seems to, at the moment. "Nothing to remember right now but us," he says lowly, kissing her forehead, her cheeks, her mouth. It's true enough - there's nothing he wants more than to take away some of the hurt of the last few days. He tugs at her hand to take her back to bed.

"Come on, then?"

Us. God, that word used to give her hives. Now it just feels like something sliding into lock, sun on her face, relief. The way he kisses her after just should make her cringe but it can't, when her heart's doing flip flops in her chest and she's missed him so much.

"I forget," she murmurs when she winds her arms around his neck, then draws her legs up his to wrap around his hips. When she said nothing but him, she meant nothing. Not even the floor. Kate quirks a grin against his mouth for that thought and then brushes her mouth against his. "When we're apart, I forget how good this feels."

Declan slides his arms around her to support her as he carries her back. She's slight, for how strong she is, and in moments like this it's only highlighted.

He walks them into the bedroom, slow and steady, and lays her down.

"This better, then?"

"No." Kate pulls out the bedroom eyes and sultry not-really-pouting pout, then hooks her fingers in the neck of his shirt and tugs him down. "There are still clothes and distance and not enough you involved."

It's not necessary and she knows it, but a little baby I want you's never a bad thing. Especially when it's so fucking true it hurts.

"Not enough me? How much me do you want?" Declan teases, sliding his hands under her shirt to help tug it off. He needs them skin to skin sooner rather than later and the way Kate's acting, he suspects that she agrees. It's never a bad thing, when they're physical instead of trying to use their words.

"Love you, Katie."

"All of you. All over me." Once she'd told him any part of him in any part of her was okay, and that's always going to be true. Anything he wants with her, he can have, especially if it involves driving her out of her mind or fucking her until her teeth rattle.

She arches up off the bed, slow, making a show out of letting him undress her. His hands feel good on her skin anyway and her eyes fall closed, head tilting back and hair tumbling off her shoulders. "Love you, too, babe."

"Might be more literal than you want," Declan warns. He gets possessive when they're kissing and making up and he's grateful they don't actually fight that often. It might be...explosive otherwise.

He tugs her bra down, instead of off, and lowers his head to kiss and suck at one of her nipples. He'll get it off soon, yes, but for now he just needs her and he hopes Kate can indulge him.

"When have I ev-- oh. God." Her fingers slide into his hair and hold him down to her. Fuck, she doesn't care what they have on or don't. It's been seven days and she didn't even get herself off because it was cheating (okay, because she knew they would make up and waiting always makes it hotter) and now her body's making her pay for it. She kind of hopes he does too. Make her break and beg for him or just make her feel so good she can't think, as long as it's him, giving her what he wants her to have, whatever it is, that's good with her.

"Ever complained about you marking me or coming on me or getting your mouth all over me?" she finally manages to get out when he lets up for a breath, but the pleasure's curling up through her so fast and hot her eyes are already starting to roll back in her head.

Declan lifts his head and grins at her, pleased with her reaction and, well, himself. It's not exactly the most becoming thing but Declan really doesn't give a damn, not when it's been a week since he's had his Katie.

"Never but I'm a little desperate." More than a little, based on how he's sliding his hands under her to finish getting that bra off and once it's dealt with, lowering his mouth to her other breast.

Kate's sensitive. Like really sensitive. They've never actually tried, but she's pretty sure he could make her come like this. She's been thinking about it since the time he wouldn't fuck her and then made her come all over his hands. He's fuck... fuck god damn.

Her hips rock and back arches up off the bed to press her into his mouth and it's probably a good thing he still has a shirt on or he'd be bleeding from the way her hands just raked down his back. "Just so long...uhgod...babe..." One hand falls away from his back to curl in the sheets already. "So long as you don't... mind the...tiger stripes." Because whatever he does to her, he's getting it back in spades. It's been a week since she had him, too.

"War wounds are always worn with pride," Declan says cheekily, turning his cheek slightly to scrape his stubble against her skin. It's a little out of the usual, maybe, but she's tactile and he's trying things out.

He lays a kiss between her breasts and moves his mouth down her stomach to her navel while his hands find her waistband and settle there.

"War, huh?" The scrape of stubble's hot more for knowing he's deliberately scratching her than the feeling of it but if he rubs it in the right places, it would get real interesting real fast. God. "That mean I get to battle back, suck you until you beg for it?" She's just talking trash. Sucking him off like that's going to have wait until morning. She needs him too much right now.

She drags her nails against the back of his neck to get his attention for something serious. "No more asking tonight, yeah? Take what you want. The answer's yeah. Trust me to stop you if that changes."

"After I fuck you a few times, yes," Declan says dryly, yanking her jeans and panties down enough that he can get to her skin. Once he can, he takes his time kissing her hips and thighs, leaving little marks where he can. It's a little harsher than usual but more out of need than anything else.

God, he needs her. He's never needed a woman the way he needs Kate and he's never had a woman rile him the way she does.

"Goddamn, you're hot when you get your Alpha badass on," Kate purrs, and then trails off into a hot, breathy moan. Seriously, there's nothing hotter for her than him needing her like this. Losing himself in the pleasure he gets from her. It's the good side of him being overprotective when she's hurt that when she's not, he's possessive as fucking hell.

She twists and writhes under him, every little dark bruise in her skin driving her up. Yeah, it's a little kinked, but she gets off on him losing control. Sue her. It's the British thing.

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