girlsolo | [For Declan] Jan 22: when I don't know what to say

She's been here since September. Been through people getting powers, people coming, people going, the island itself changing, finding out that she's maybe fictional or some kind of crap, but it's really not until today Kate's realized just how much this place fucks with her. Over breakfast, she finds out one of the people she really likes and respects lost her husband and now she's like five months pregnant and raising the kid of someone else who left her. By herself. The kid - who she fucking loves, okay? and, whatever, just she does - lost his mom, his uncle, and now his step-dad in a place that's way too safe for death to be something you just get like she and Thad did.

And when she comes home to detox for an hour before going to make up with her boyfriend, because she's been a complete fucking jackass for a week and he could just disappear any second without her ever getting to fix it, there's this sweet set up on her porch. A laptop with a huge screen and killer resolution, long life batteries, cords, speakers, HDMI for TV hookup, seriously everything a chick could want. There's a gold bow on top and a card that says "For Kate Freelander," and when she powers it up, it's got a sick media library. Movies, tv, music, games. She's not even sure whether to laugh or cry. Which she doesn't do. Cry. Not much. Not often. Not because it's weak or whatever. It's just not her thing.

She shakes her head and packs it all up in one of her woven hemp bags. Cleans herself up. Then spends about ten minutes deciding what face she's wearing when she goes to see Declan. Leather, lace, trench coat? She lines her eyes with some kohl and smudges some berry colored stain on her mouth but she's still not sure. Maybe jewelry will settle it. With a flick of her hand, she opens the box (not her box, and fuck if she doesn't miss that) and --

The light catches on a flash of bright silver and deep, rich blue. It's beautiful.

Kate doesn't cry, but when she lifts out the bracelet and slides it around her wrist, the kohl on her eyes smears and her lashes are wet. No one's ever given her anything like this before. She's an idiot.

* * *

Half an hour later, she's on Declan's doorstep with their new system, wearing refreshed makeup, the bracelet he gave her, and a straight-up Kate face. Black leather, black lace, blue top and jeans. She knocks because it's been a week and he won't be expecting her.

"Declan?"

*
Title lyrics from Pat Benatar's We Belong.

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What she does to him? Kate laughs, a rough little sound that comes out more of a sob when her body shakes and his cock slips inside her and rubs against her g-spot. She wraps her arms tighter around him and just holds on.

But she doesn't want him to think she's hurt, so she slides her hand up through his hair. Draws his mouth down over hers again. Kisses him hard but tenderly. She's his, but he's hers and that means making sure he knows, "Love you, babe."

"Love you," Declan murmurs, not adding the 'too' to it. It always seems tacked on the end and his love for Kate is anything but. He's not sure how that happened, exactly, falling in love with her but there's nothing he'd do to change it. No matter what they fight about, they always find their way back and it's always screamingly hot when they do. Declan likes that.

"Need you. Always."

"M'right here," she murmurs at him, stretching and shifting to take his weight and let it weigh her down into the bed. She's missed it, the feel of him with her like this. She always does, whenever they're not together for more than a few days.

Her hands slide through the sweat on his back, fingers finding the scratches she's left and hopes he doesn't mind the sting. It's proof, like the bruises on her hips and the ache deep in her, that they're both still here.

"I don't know how Sam's going to do it." Lose someone so important to her, survive it. Kate tucks her face into his shoulder and breathes him.

"Do what, love?" Declan asks, stroking his fingers through her hair. She hardly needs it and yet, he wants so, so he curls a lock around his fingers and lets it slide off, just soothing and petting.

Kate might never admit to needing to be held and petted like this, but right now she kind of does. The thought of him disappearing has her tangled up in knots. Part of her wants to bolt, cut bait, teach herself not to need him again so that when he leaves her, she won't feel what Sam feels. Part of her wants to hold on and never let go.

They've already talked about this as much she knows how to, even if the pain of the thought was enough to make her bring it up again. So this time it comes out sideways and crass, "Never taste him again. Never smell him on her or their bed or feel this again." Weirdly, more than anything else could, this helps her understand Magnus and Druitt. "I know people break up all the time, but...it's not the same."

"Sort of like being a widow," Declan agrees. "But she's strong. I think she'll be fine, plus, she's got her children to worry about. That sort of thing can steel a person into action when normally they'd be consumed by grief."

Declan falls quiet before he speaks again, hand still stroking lightly through her hair. "I wish I could promise I would never leave you but I can't. The island's fickle. What I can promise is that I won't leave you willingly. We'll always try to talk things out and if we split, it's not going to come as shock in the middle of the night."

Kate's not really worried about Sam. They're not that close, close enough for Kate to feel for her and know she's strong, but not so close she can't stop thinking about Sam. It's that she can't stop thinking about what it would feel like to lose Declan like that.

Little as she is, Kate still has no trouble rolling them so she's on top of him. She tucks her head down mouths along his neck, licking the salt and musk from it, tasting him. "Me too. I promise," she tells him, but then says softly, "Don't want to talk about it anymore. Just want to be with you."

"Then be with me. I've got no plans," Declan says softly, smiling at her. It's true, he doesn't, because without the Sanctuary he's aimless but Kate grounds him. Kate gives him a reason to keep moving and while he likes it here, now, he still wants a way home with Kate instead of without her. It's a definite shift in worldview.

He likes it.

"Yeah, you do. You have plans to not-watch a movie with me on my new sick laptop and fuck me again, and get kissed awake, and not-watch or maybe actually watch part of another movie." Kate nips at his neck and then brushes a soft kiss against his mouth, falls into it, and lingers.

"And we can have the same plans again tomorrow if you want."

"I could get behind those plans," Declan says, nipping and kissing her lower lip again just because. It's sort of aimless, time in bed like this, but he suspects they sort of need it too.

"Would it make me an ass if I wanted you to stay for a few days?"

Her cunt pulses at the nip, but the whimper gives way to a sigh, soft. She lets her head down to rest against his shoulder, hoping he'll keep stroking her hair but not wanting to ask for it.

"No. Might make me the best fucked woman on the island, though," she teases. Her hand runs out his shoulder and down his arm. God, she loves his body. "If I stay, you gonna make it worth my while?"

"Well, yeah," Declan says. That's always the case with them, anyway, and while it's not all about sex, sometimes it's just easier to communicate physically than verbally. It's good to have the chance to reconnect, anyway.

"Missed you. Want the time together, if you can stand it."

Kate leans into his hand, catlike encouragement for physical affection. She's starved for his touch and that more than anything slams it through her, "I missed this. Not the sex. I mean, I did. But I missed the way you touch me, just because you know you can."

She's not ready to not have her own space. She may never be ready to have her own space. But she needs to be with him. "I'll stay. We can't stay here in the hut the whole time or I'll lose my mind, but I'll come back here with you at night and stuff."

"Well, I wouldn't ask you to stay all day. I'd be bored with that and you'd be clawing your eyes out," Declan says, laughing warmly. She's like a cat, actually - content to be stroked and petted on her own terms and ready to get the hell out when she's done with it. He's fine with that, though, so long as she always comes home eventually.

"But if you can manage staying over a night or two, I'd like that."

Grinning, Kate leans over him and nips his ear, then swirls her tongue in it. "Something wrong with your hearing, British? Already said I'd stay."

She knows he thinks it's all about the sex with her. In some ways it is, but not how he probably thinks. It's just, she's never been been able to have this with anyone. The kissing and touching and in-between stuff, just being with someone instead of having to run.

"Just...confirming. Since that's not the norm for us," Declan says and then realizes, belatedly, that's likely going to put him right back into the doghouse after having just made up for being an arse before.

"I like this, though. Having you with me."

"So," she says and props herself up, because if they keep talking this direction she's going to get tense. "Movie we do watch first or movie we don't watch?"

Because she wants to be with him. She wants to stay tonight and not leave. "I'll even let you choose."

[For Declan] Jan 22: when I don't know what to say

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