[For Declan] Quick fix and heartbeats, gets me so easily

[girlsolo]

It's been days since she's seen him. Since the day she took Will's baseball. It's not...it is because she's been avoiding him, but not because of the sex. Or him caring. Or her caring. She just..

She'd needed to do this alone.

Kate had needed to take the things she did, replace them the way she did. Will would say she was 'working through' something. Maybe. Or maybe she just needed to screw up and get caught so she could remember how that felt. Or maybe it was the same thing. Whatever it was, Declan couldn't have ridden shotgun on this one. He'd have stopped her and she'd have let him.

She doesn't want him to be her prison warden. To have to hold her leash. To have to clean up after her and she knows he will if she lets him. But it's okay tonight. The mess is managed, same as the mischief. It's on her head and no one else's.

Tonight, Kate doesn't want Declan for something. She just wants Declan.

He's not there when she gets to his hut. She could let herself in, but she won't. Instead, she parks her ass on the porch stairs and waits. If anything, the peace and quiet's kind of nice. The stars don't look familiar, but when she looks up at them, they're beautiful anyway.

*Title and lj-cut lyrics from The Sounds' Queen of Apology.

Comments

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

Kate knows. It's not about sex. She can lie to herself and make herself believe it started that way, but what's the point? It never has been. If it had, they'd fuck until they were done and then they'd be done.

She's worried, knots in her stomach, sick-worried, about what happens if she can't. If it always feels like too much. Talking about it's just going to make it worse, though, and asking how long he'll wait is too pathetic for words.

"I am 'making a go of it' with you, British," she finally says. "I'm not giving up sex with you for my health."

[duerespectguv]

"That's fair enough," Declan agrees, holding her a little tighter for a moment. "When you come back to me, I guess I want to know it's for me and only me and not just because I can fuck you until you can't move and it makes it easier to forget."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

"Told you, I'm here because I missed you. That didn't change just because you fucked me stupid." Which sounds dumb to her ears. If she missed him, why would it change because he's the best sex of her not-even-a-litte-bit-celibate life?

Kate burrows in closer, tangling her legs all up with his and breathing him in. She already misses this. "I don't want to keep talking about this. It sucks, and it can wait until tomorrow. Tonight, I'm still here."

[duerespectguv]

"Tomorrow," Declan agrees, bringing his hand up to tip her face to his. He kisses her, slow and soft and a little sad, because when he's kissing her and expressing his feelings that way, at least words aren't getting in the way and making it complicated.

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

When he kisses her, every time he kisses her, but especially these out-of-nowhere, no-sex-involved, everything-I'm-not-saying kisses, Kate stops being confused. For a few heartbeats, everything makes sense. She's still beyond scared, but she knows what she wants. Then it stops, and the doubt creeps in (storms in, smacks her in the face), and she knows she can't have it. He's too good for her. And it's hard, really hard, not to feel like he's kissing her goodbye.