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[For Savannah] It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Kate's tired of kissing strangers to get them free of mistletoe. She's especially tired of snooty Victorian Brits (even if they turn out fine). And she's even more tired, raw, from the shades of little Victorian children, none of them acting like kids at all if she tries to talk to them.
She spends the afternoon shopping, in and out of little curio shops. She "buys" a small book of maps, a tiny globe on a brass stand, a small one for Declan, an ivory elephant, two scrimshaw carved scene on matched walrus tusks (it reminds her of the steno tusks she didn't end up stealing) and a tea set. Kids like tea sets, right?
It's sunset by the time she crosses the bridges to what used to be the Compound. She's planning to slip in and leave some of the things for the kids at the Children's Office and get out before anyone catches her. Just like she's been doing. Tonight when she gets in, there's a light in the office. Savannah's there still.
Kate's about to leave, but the swell of Savannah's belly in silhouette when she turns toward the light and the smile in her eyes arrests Kate. She tucks her gloves into her pockets, pushes her hair back and straight, then knocks.
*
Title lyrics from Adam Lambert's What Do You Want From Me?
She spends the afternoon shopping, in and out of little curio shops. She "buys" a small book of maps, a tiny globe on a brass stand, a small one for Declan, an ivory elephant, two scrimshaw carved scene on matched walrus tusks (it reminds her of the steno tusks she didn't end up stealing) and a tea set. Kids like tea sets, right?
It's sunset by the time she crosses the bridges to what used to be the Compound. She's planning to slip in and leave some of the things for the kids at the Children's Office and get out before anyone catches her. Just like she's been doing. Tonight when she gets in, there's a light in the office. Savannah's there still.
Kate's about to leave, but the swell of Savannah's belly in silhouette when she turns toward the light and the smile in her eyes arrests Kate. She tucks her gloves into her pockets, pushes her hair back and straight, then knocks.
*
Title lyrics from Adam Lambert's What Do You Want From Me?
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"Well hello there," she said. It took some doing but she worked her way up out of her seat. She wore a lovely outfit suitable of the time but it was without corset or bustle. It was merely a skirt and a bodice, both of them simultaneously fitted for the proper lines and loose enough for her belly.
"Come in, come in. You're a little late for me to put you to work, Kate," she laughed. "What brings you in?"
She noticed the goods but thought better of mentioning them. She wasn't so naive to think all the new things in the children's office magicked themselves there- she just didn't know who had been bringing them. Now she had her suspicions.
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"It's not really important," Kate tells her and lies to them both. "Just thought I'd see how you're doing." That part's true, even if it's not the whole truth.
"How're you and the baby?" It's a nice normal question for a nice normal girl and if it feels like mud in her mouth it just proves Kate's not. Nice or normal. Savannah is and Kate likes her for that.
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She gestured for Kate to come in to where there were adult sized chairs to sit down on.
"So, really, what're you doing, honey? What'cha got in the bag?"
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Oh gods. She rolls her eyes at herself as she sets the bag by her side when she sits. Hopefully Savannah won't catch it.
"Did some shopping out in London, that's all. Nothing special. Some stuff for Declan--" She smiles, voice softening when she says his name. It's stupid, but she can't really help it.
"Saw a few things I thought you might like to have for the kids and since nothing costs anything..." Kate shrugs, the less of an issue she makes out of it, the less Savannah will think of it, the less likely she is to connect it to the other stuff she's brought for the kids. And even if she does, maybe she won't ask why. "I just picked them up for you."
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"Don't be shy, come show me what you've got. You can even help me put things away...if you don't mind. My ankles have just about had it, not that I'm complaining. I just have my limits these days."
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She reaches into her satchel for the stuff for the kids. "Anyway, it's not much really. Just a few things. I don't know what kids like." That's quiet, kind of an awkward admission as she gives Savannah the book of maps first. "I got this little book of maps of London. I know we all have them, but it was pretty, and has lots of smaller segments. I thought maybe they could find their houses this way."
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"Have you been around the city much? Maybe you could come on a little walk and help point out sights. The kids just love to look up at the tall buildings. It's sure not like the jungle here."
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She's kind of stalling and she's pretty sure Savannah knows it. She'd definitely know if she'd ever seen Kate's hut, once she starts tidying up. Tidying and Kate Freelander do not go together. Maybe she's not the slob she was when she got to the Sanctuary but no one's ever going to accuse her of being neat.
"Um, sure. I guess I could go on some kind of a field trip with you. Are you sure the parents won't care? About me, I mean?"
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Savannah had a good feeling about the woman and was just certain no harm would come to any of the children for Kate was an honorable woman. She just knew it.
"Do you need some sugar? The kids will be so much fun for you, I promise. Just you wait until you meet Abby and her brother Daniel. They're a kick."
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She chews at her bottom lip and clarifies, "Reformed. But there was this thing I did back when I first got here. I--" Pushing the small globe across the table to Savannah on two fingers, Kate shrugs. "Wasn't real happy about being here and I stole some stuff. Nothing big. And I made sure it got back to the people it belonged to. Did my community service, the whole thing. It was mostly... I don't know. Acting out, Will would probably say. But it wasn't good."
Now she's trying not to look at her toes, trying not to feel like she just got called into Magnus's office because what does she care anyway what Savannah thinks or if she can't help with the kids because of it? "I don't do anything like that anymore. But I don't want you getting in trouble because of me."
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She was never sure who here believed in God. Since Boyd had vanished she didn't have anyone she could speak to about her faith in that way. Usually she simply kept it to herself, conversing with the Lord as she'd always been taught.
"And besides...I'm the boss, I reckon. If I have faith in you that has to say a lot. I certainly can't hold your past against you...we've all done things we're not proud of."
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Maybe she does. No one's ever really forgiven her in words before. Not even Magnus and Will. Not even Declan.
She shrugs and shifts her weight between her two feet, then lifts her chin again. There's a blaze of that same stubborn pride that got her in deep at the Sanctuary in her eyes. "I appreciate that. Seriously. I'll make sure it doesn't bite you in the ass either."
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"You know...I'm going to need you, too. Once this baby comes I'm sure I'm not going to be able to do much while I recover. All the books say you're pretty useless after giving birth. I hope you're up to the task."
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She tilts her head at Savannah, gaze narrowing slightly in concern. "What about you? Do you have people to help?" It bothers her that she doesn't know anything really about Savannah's situation. But it's private and she hasn't wanted to ask. Maybe it's time to start asking around though.
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A look of sweetness and innocence came over her and Savannah looked off at the sky.
"I hope not. This is just so horrible but I'm ready to be done."
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She does smile over her shoulder though. "I don't blame you, wanting to be done. I know I must've been clawing my eyes out." It's not until she's got a handful of starfish and sand dollars that she realizes what she said. Fuck. No wonder her brain's a mess. She's still thinking of baby Magnus as hers somehow.
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But something Kate said made her curious and she had no issue with it being her business or not. She had to ask.
"What do you mean must've been? Do you have a little one back home?"
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Maybe later the idea will sink deeper and make her look at having kids on the island a different way. It feels weighty like that. Like it's going to stick with her. She's not a big thinker, usually, but some stuff just matters.
It's not that she's avoiding Savannah's question. Okay, yeah, she's totally avoiding it. But mostly because she doesn't know how to talk about it. "Um, no. It..." It hurts is what it does and her thumb's smoothing back and forth over one of the sand dollars she brought for the kids, the same way it did the day she brought it in. "I don't have a kid. Not really. It's complicated."
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Sighing, she pulls out a chair again, spins it around and straddles it with her arms folder over the back and her chin resting on them. "It's just something I can't get my head around and it's kind of messing me up." Talking to Will made it better in some ways. She doesn't worry about little Magnus as much. But it's still stuck in her head.
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And she thought of Mace. He was taciturn as well, his words carefully chosen and only given in small doses. And yet he could and did say the most profound things at times.
Savannah felt that some of the people who she was closest to were the ones who said the least.
"If and when you do feel like talking about it, I'm more than ready to hear it. I might even have a wise word or two. Maybe just. I feel so bad that whatever it is is messing with you. Some weights are almost too great to bear on your own."
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"See," Kate starts without really deciding to talk. "There's this alternate universe my boss told me about where the world's ending. Zombies." It sounds so dumb. Like why should she care? Maybe she shouldn't. She's been trying to tell herself not to. But she does anyway. "In it, I guess I was married to my boss's...to my best friend. And we had this kid--" Her voice catches, when she says it out loud to someone who isn't Will. "--a little boy, even though the world was ending. I died, fighting in the war, and Will had to send him away. And then he died and...our son, my son, was all alone without family or anything. I know it wasn't me and it's stupid to get all twisted up about it. But it's making me see things different. Like wearing night-vision goggles all the time."
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"That's quite a bit to take in. Did you only learn this since you've been here or did you know before you came?" she asked, gently sidestepping the issue of Kate's son. That one fact spoke volumes about the way Kate seemed to feel about the children in general. It spoke volumes about the kind of woman who sat before her.
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Then she reached out and laid her hand lightly on Kate's shoulder for it was a simple gesture that cost her nothing and yet it was something that could connect and ground a troubled person. And Kate, for all her strength and attitude, seemed to Savannah like this troubled her a little more than she let on. Or maybe she just thought of how she would react to news of a child and her own death.
She'd read that book about her and that was bad enough. What ifs had almost eaten her alive.
"All you can do is live now. In the moment. That's all we have. You can't change the past and you can't predict the future...and you sure as heck don't have any say in what goes on with another version of your life, right?"
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She nods and drops her chin down to her forearms again. "I'm not one for getting up in my head usually. Better at looking at what's here and now and doing what needs to be done." It might not seem like it flows, but Kate pushes at the sand dollars she set on the table. Nudges them across toward Savannah with her fingertips. "It was me, leaving these."
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"You can always bring things in. The kids just love them. And now you'll have the chance to play with them and teach them. I think you're going to have so much fun with us, Kate. I really do."
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She pushes up to her feet again decisively. "All right, put me to work. And when you pop that baby out and you're good to go, we'll go have some adult fun. Deal?"
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