[For Savannah] It messed me up, need a second to breathe

[girlsolo]

Kate's tired of kissing strangers to get them free of mistletoe. She's especially tired of snooty Victorian Brits (even if they turn out fine). And she's even more tired, raw, from the shades of little Victorian children, none of them acting like kids at all if she tries to talk to them.

She spends the afternoon shopping, in and out of little curio shops. She "buys" a small book of maps, a tiny globe on a brass stand, a small one for Declan, an ivory elephant, two scrimshaw carved scene on matched walrus tusks (it reminds her of the steno tusks she didn't end up stealing) and a tea set. Kids like tea sets, right?

It's sunset by the time she crosses the bridges to what used to be the Compound. She's planning to slip in and leave some of the things for the kids at the Children's Office and get out before anyone catches her. Just like she's been doing. Tonight when she gets in, there's a light in the office. Savannah's there still.

Kate's about to leave, but the swell of Savannah's belly in silhouette when she turns toward the light and the smile in her eyes arrests Kate. She tucks her gloves into her pockets, pushes her hair back and straight, then knocks.

*
Title lyrics from Adam Lambert's What Do You Want From Me?

Comments

[seeyousoonthen]

"Do you want to tell me about it?" she replied, offering an ear or a shoulder or whatever it might be that Kate needed. Savannah was now and always had been a good listener. She was always more ready to shut up and hear people than she was to talk about herself.

[girlsolo]

Kate flips her a smile, sharp and a little wry. "You've met me right? I'm not really much of a talker." At least, not about her problems. But this isn't really a problem either. It's just like a splinter under her skin.

Sighing, she pulls out a chair again, spins it around and straddles it with her arms folder over the back and her chin resting on them. "It's just something I can't get my head around and it's kind of messing me up." Talking to Will made it better in some ways. She doesn't worry about little Magnus as much. But it's still stuck in her head.

[seeyousoonthen]

Not much of a talker. Savannah thought of John, her dear beloved John, and how it was work to get him to talk. He was eloquent in his letters, saying things she was sure she could scarcely get him to utter aloud for he simply wasn't that sort of man. But he'd tell her with ink and paper.

And she thought of Mace. He was taciturn as well, his words carefully chosen and only given in small doses. And yet he could and did say the most profound things at times.

Savannah felt that some of the people who she was closest to were the ones who said the least.

"If and when you do feel like talking about it, I'm more than ready to hear it. I might even have a wise word or two. Maybe just. I feel so bad that whatever it is is messing with you. Some weights are almost too great to bear on your own."

[girlsolo]

Kate bites at her bottom lip, holding it between her teeth. Sometimes, at home, when something's bugging her, Magnus will sit with her and just listen until Kate talks. She never says much. Neither does Magnus. But it helps in a different kind of way than talking to Will. Their relationship is different here. Magnus isn't quiet like that. Isn't comforting like that. She's warmer, but she talks more and it's less comforting sometimes.

"See," Kate starts without really deciding to talk. "There's this alternate universe my boss told me about where the world's ending. Zombies." It sounds so dumb. Like why should she care? Maybe she shouldn't. She's been trying to tell herself not to. But she does anyway. "In it, I guess I was married to my boss's...to my best friend. And we had this kid--" Her voice catches, when she says it out loud to someone who isn't Will. "--a little boy, even though the world was ending. I died, fighting in the war, and Will had to send him away. And then he died and...our son, my son, was all alone without family or anything. I know it wasn't me and it's stupid to get all twisted up about it. But it's making me see things different. Like wearing night-vision goggles all the time."

[seeyousoonthen]

Savannah was quiet, simply watching and listening. Really listening. She heard more than Kate's words, she heard her heart. It wasn't just what she said but the way in which she said it.

"That's quite a bit to take in. Did you only learn this since you've been here or did you know before you came?" she asked, gently sidestepping the issue of Kate's son. That one fact spoke volumes about the way Kate seemed to feel about the children in general. It spoke volumes about the kind of woman who sat before her.

[girlsolo]

"Just here." Kate lifts her chin and flips her hands a little. "It's weird." She has a lot of thoughts about how weird. Like that the three of them are tangled up in some other world and they're all dead except the baby that's part of all of them. And that baby is her baby. But mostly... "I don't want kids. It's not me, but it's still me and I don't know why I would do that."

[seeyousoonthen]

"That's a real good question. I think that it's something you're going to have to puzzle out yourself. We all think about what ifs, don't we? What if one thing was different or something had or hadn't happened. To know something really did happen in another...another universe, like you said, that's really something."

Then she reached out and laid her hand lightly on Kate's shoulder for it was a simple gesture that cost her nothing and yet it was something that could connect and ground a troubled person. And Kate, for all her strength and attitude, seemed to Savannah like this troubled her a little more than she let on. Or maybe she just thought of how she would react to news of a child and her own death.

She'd read that book about her and that was bad enough. What ifs had almost eaten her alive.

"All you can do is live now. In the moment. That's all we have. You can't change the past and you can't predict the future...and you sure as heck don't have any say in what goes on with another version of your life, right?"

[girlsolo]

It's cute and really sweet. Maybe not comforting like the weight of Magnus's hand backed by everything she knows, but Kate knows truth when she hears it. Cons do. No one knows truth better, or how much it's worth.

She nods and drops her chin down to her forearms again. "I'm not one for getting up in my head usually. Better at looking at what's here and now and doing what needs to be done." It might not seem like it flows, but Kate pushes at the sand dollars she set on the table. Nudges them across toward Savannah with her fingertips. "It was me, leaving these."

[seeyousoonthen]

"I had an idea it might have been," Savannah said. Not at the time, of course, but now, with all this, the pieces fit. All it did was cement her opinion that Kate would be a perfect addition to the staff.

"You can always bring things in. The kids just love them. And now you'll have the chance to play with them and teach them. I think you're going to have so much fun with us, Kate. I really do."

[girlsolo]

"Not my usual idea of fun either," Kate says, but this time she's just being a smartass and it shows in her smirk. As long as she doesn't look too close at why she's doing this or why she wants to, it'll be okay. Good, even.

She pushes up to her feet again decisively. "All right, put me to work. And when you pop that baby out and you're good to go, we'll go have some adult fun. Deal?"

[seeyousoonthen]

"Deal," she agreed, though she had her doubts that her idea of adult fun would be what Kate had in mind. It didn't matter right now, though. Right now she simply smiled, happy to have a new helper and a new friend.