[For Declan] There might've been a time when I would give myself away

[girlsolo]

Even hiked up in her gloved hands, Kate's dark skirts swish under her full buttoned and belted leather coat. Her boots clack on wet pavement. The curls in her hair are falling from being wet and dry and wet again. She wishes for the fiftieth time today, she'd taken the time yesterday to finish lining the breeches she'd pulled from the box.

It's after midnight when she clomps up the steps to Declan's house. She could just come in, maybe, but it's late and it's not his hut and...and and and. And she wants him to come down and get her and be glad to see her and kiss her hello and let her in because he wants her there. She shouldn't be in this mood. It hasn't been a bad day. She just...

Fuck if she knows. Maybe it's the Children's Office and her other-world son. Maybe she's just been away from her boyfriend too long and she wants him.

Whatever.

She raps on the door with the brass door-knocker and wishes the sting of her gloved knuckles against the door weren't the most honest thing she's felt all day.

*
Title lyric from Adam Lambert's What Do You Want From Me?

Comments

[duerespectguv]

"Is it...what you want now?"

Declan's trying to be cautious because it's not what he wants and he doesn't relish having the "let's not have kids" conversation with Kate when she's already raw and emotional. He's always liked the idea of family, has a great family of his own back home, but having children's never been on the agenda. His job's too dangerous, too many risks, and here on the island there's the chance everyone will disappear and abandon the child.

Sort of like Kate's child with Will in that universe, in a way, and Declan doesn't want that for them. Not at all. Not with some boy that's got her eyes and the stubborn set of his jaw.

"Because the idea of that scares me, Kate. It's not a good place to have children and I don't know that I'm going to be the best father."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

Kate twists around to stare up at him, like somehow he just heard the opposite of what she said. Her eyes are wide and shiny when she pokes him in the chest.

"First of all, you would make a great father." She's not sure why that's important, since it's not really important for the two of them. "Second, no. I don't want to have a baby here. I don't know if I ever want kids. But definitely not here. Not where we could disappear and--" Her voice catches again, her hurt over baby Magnus flooding her chest again. "Abandon another kid."

Her fingers curl into his shirt again, and all of her fight and fire dissolves. She's crying again and it's so fucking stupid. But it feels...kind of okay...as long as Declan's holding her.

[duerespectguv]

"It wouldn't be our fault if we disappeared but I don't want to take that risk," Declan decides. "We should be careful. I'm prepared, if it happens, but I don't...I don't want to abandon a child."

He kisses her hair. "I love you, Kate. Always."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

She's not worried about it being her fault. She's worried about her son. Or any kid she gets pregnant with if he knocks her up. And all the kids on the island who've lost their families, they just hit too close to home for her.

She curls in tighter against him. "I'm going to help out at the Children's Office. I think I need to." It's not permission she's looking for. Just...she wants him to understand. To understand her. "It's not because I want a kid. I just...they need people to care about them and take care of them and I want to be one of them."

Now she's way past Girl Scout to something else completely. Yeah, okay, she cares. It feels kind of good.

[duerespectguv]

"I'm glad you've found a purpose, at least. Still at loose ends myself."

Declan's mostly all right with that, considering. He likes being with Kate (loves being with Kate) and he likes the solitude of his hut. He wishes London was gone so he could stop thinking about James but that's not relevant at the moment.

"I don't have anything I'm passionate about yet other than you."

[girlsolo]

"I don't know if it's a purpose, so much as just...I have to do it."

Kate rubs her cheek against his chest and works a hand up under his shirt. Being 'passionate' seems like a lot better way to burn off the emotion than crying anyway.

"If you want to talk about what to do with yourself other than be passionate about me, now's your chance," she says, sounding a lot more like herself. "Because otherwise, I'm in favor of passionate." She quirks a soft-around-the-edge grin up at him. "Very in favor."

[duerespectguv]

"Not just now. You're beautiful and I want you but I haven't shifted gears yet," Declan admits. "But never doubt you're beautiful and I want you because that's always the case, love."

[girlsolo]

For the first time tonight, Kate actually laughs. It's quiet and wry. "Did you just 'not tonight dear, I have a headache' me?" She's teasing him, because he's all weird and it's her fault.

That's definitely why she shifts in his lap to settle against him the way he likes. "It's okay, babe. I'm... I guess I just needed..." To talk about it. "You. Sorry if I freaked you out."

[duerespectguv]

"No, it's just I have a bit of trouble shifting from crying girlfriend I need to comfort and hold to wanton sex goddess about to have her way with me."

Declan wraps his arm around her waist and brings his other hand up to cup her cheek and tip her chin up so he can kiss her. Kissing's definitely acceptable, even when he's in this in-between period.

[girlsolo]

He probably doesn't mean to make her self-conscious but he kind of does. She knows she uses sex as a distraction a lot, but she thought he was okay with it. "Sorry," Kate starts to say, but then he's kissing her and she's coming apart under his mouth.

Not like fuck me now coming apart either. Like I need you and her fingers are curling into his shirt. So maybe she's having trouble shifting too.

[duerespectguv]

He feels it when she starts coming apart for him and Declan pursues that, hands sliding up into her hair to work his fingers through the waves.

He'll want more later, he's certain of that, but for right now this is all he needs.