[For Declan] There might've been a time when I would give myself away

[girlsolo]

Even hiked up in her gloved hands, Kate's dark skirts swish under her full buttoned and belted leather coat. Her boots clack on wet pavement. The curls in her hair are falling from being wet and dry and wet again. She wishes for the fiftieth time today, she'd taken the time yesterday to finish lining the breeches she'd pulled from the box.

It's after midnight when she clomps up the steps to Declan's house. She could just come in, maybe, but it's late and it's not his hut and...and and and. And she wants him to come down and get her and be glad to see her and kiss her hello and let her in because he wants her there. She shouldn't be in this mood. It hasn't been a bad day. She just...

Fuck if she knows. Maybe it's the Children's Office and her other-world son. Maybe she's just been away from her boyfriend too long and she wants him.

Whatever.

She raps on the door with the brass door-knocker and wishes the sting of her gloved knuckles against the door weren't the most honest thing she's felt all day.

*
Title lyric from Adam Lambert's What Do You Want From Me?

Comments

[duerespectguv]

Declan's actually upstairs when he hears the knock and he wonders who it might be. With Druitt on the island now, the chance it's Magnus in need of help or Will is pretty high and he thinks they'd knock. Kate, though, is a surprise because he wouldn't have expected her to knock at all.

"You didn't have to knock," he says with a grin, tugging the door inward so he can welcome her inside. "Door's always open for you."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

Even though she's in whatever the hell this mood is, his smile, his promise she's always welcome (and that she'll never find him with anyone else) makes her chill out a little. She lifts her gloved hand to straighten his shirt and shrugs softly.

"It's late. I didn't want to barge in." Since when? She pats down his chest and steps into his arms instead of just through the door. "Hi."

[duerespectguv]

Declan nudges the door shut with his foot and focuses, instead, on wrapping Kate up into his arms. He's not sure what's gotten into her that she's worried about it being late and he frowns a bit, working that out.

"It's never too late for you to come over, Kate. Did I imply I like to turn in early or something? I really don't mind it."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

"No, it's not..." It's nothing, really nothing. Hormones, maybe. She doesn't know and it's kind of pissing her off. She shakes her head and just curls closer.

"It's dumb. I know I can just come up. I just..." Head ducked to his chest, she inhales slowly, exhales, eyes closed and shrugs again. "Nothing's wrong. Can we go upstairs?"

[duerespectguv]

"Absolutely," Declan promises, keeping his arm wrapped around her waist while he escorts her up. "Did you get tired of altering trousers? Is that why I'm getting a dress today?"

He'll never tell her directly but he does love when she wears dresses for him.

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

It feels different, Declan escorting her up the stairs while she's wearing one of these stupid dresses. She feels different, feminine and softer than usual. It makes it easier than usual to lean into him, even though part of her wants to stiffen her spine more than ever.

"Didn't have time to line them and they were chafing." Plus, she knows he likes it. She won't admit it, but she likes dressing for him. A lot.

[duerespectguv]

"I think it's best to keep the thigh chafing at a minimum," Declan agrees, grinning cheekily at her. It's probably better for their sex life if nothing else.

"You look beautiful, though. You always do, of course, but especially today."

That's a little softer, more sincere.

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

She ducks her head a little, shrugging at him, but there's a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. It's nice, Declan complimenting her. She's not used to it still. Still makes her feel gooey and gooey's great for chocolate chip cookies, not so great for a merc. She's never sure how she feels about it. Lie. She likes it. She just doesn't like that she likes it.

"Not gonna lie. I'm glad you're looking." She squeezes his hand. "Even if I hate how girly it makes me feel."

[duerespectguv]

"I can at least promise I'll never ask for it?" Declan suggests. He doesn't know if that's much of a consolation, really, but he's not with Kate because she looks good in a dress so it's likely moot.

"Do you want tea or anything or would you rather just go to bed? It's late, as you pointed out earlier."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

"Did already," she reminds him, even though she knows he didn't forget. Sex is always a safe topic for them. "Short, black, bent me over a railing?"

But as soon as she says it, she just feels fried again. She stops him in the 'drawing room', hand on his chest and curling in his shirt again. "I'm kind of a mess right now. I could use--" A small shrug. "Tea, wine, whiskey... something. Mostly--" she says much more softly. "Mostly I think I just need you."

It's so wrong sounding. Needing anyone. Telling them she does. That someone being a guy. She couldn't give a crap about feminism when it comes to this, to being with someone how you want to. So that's not it. It just feels like weakness. Like vulnerability. And she hates that.

Hates it, but there's no way she can deny it now. Not with him.

[duerespectguv]

"Tea," Declan decides, not wanting to have her drink if she's already upset. Besides, he's English, and tea's the comfort of choice whether it's war or just personal problems.

"Tea and then we can talk? Something's bothering you, I can tell."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

It's cute that Declan doesn't get her a drink because she's upset. She'd be pissed, but he's probably right. The last thing she needs right now is depressants.

"Very British," she says and tries to keep her voice steady. "Just don't expect me to get all repressed and stiff upper lip about it."

[duerespectguv]

"I wouldn't dream of it," Declan promises, escorting her to a couch and sitting her down before dealing with the tea. There's servants, at least for this month, and it's sort of nice to be able to direct them to do what he wants while he focuses on Kate instead.

"I think I'll miss having the swanky house if everything goes back to normal come New Years'."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

The servants are weird. Nothing like Biggie who is family. It's creepy, all the "Miss" and "Mum" and "sir". Kate's glad when they fade away again, as weird as that is. At least they leave "the Master and the Mistress" alone before they fade out.

Kate shudders and glares at the tiny tea cups. She'll let Declan deal with it. "Did you have servants like that in London?" she asks, then shrugs and bends down to unlace her boots. "You could build a nicer house if you wanted. No one would care. Those ones over at Green Arrow Estates are pretty swank." It'd be something to do.

[duerespectguv]

"If we have a family someday, I'll probably build," Declan says idly but as soon as it's out, he shuts his mouth. It's not something he's really thought about at length, surely not this early, but he's pretty sure of the answer.

If he and Kate start a family, he'll be building them a better house. The end.

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

The tea cup between her fingers clatters against the saucer before she can steady it. The sob catches in her throat before she has any idea what she's thinking or feeling. And before she figures it out, the tears are sliding down her cheeks and she's curling forward around her knees at the same time she's pulling them back up with her to the couch.

It's stupid. Fucking stupid. Her hormones have to be out of whack. It has to be. Because she should be punching Declan as hard as she can and telling him not even to think about it because they're not doing that. She's never doing that. And she's sure as fuck not doing that on this island where she could disappear and leave her baby behind. Again. But instead she's curled as tight as she can around her middle just to make the whole thing stop hurting. And it's not working. It's not working even a little bit.

[duerespectguv]

It was just an idle comment but it's apparently hurt her, and deeply, and Declan's never felt like as big an ass as he does right now. He tentatively reaches out to touch her shoulder, rubbing lightly.

"Christ, Katie, I didn't mean anything by it. It was just...if it happened, we'd need a bigger place. That's all. I wasn't pressuring you or trying to hurt you. It was just an idle comment and I didn't think. I'm sorry."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

If the whole baby thing's not enough then there's Declan wanting to be a family with her and build a house for her when all she's ever had since she was a kid is the Sanctuary and it's just all too fucking much. Now he's trying to apologize and...

And Kate punches him in the shoulder and then shoves him back so she can climb into his lap and curl up against him. "Don't be an idiot, Declan," she roughs out, sniffling.

[duerespectguv]

"I don't know, what was I supposed to think? What's wrong, Kate?"

Declan doesn't even know where to begin with this so he just kisses her hair lightly and holds her for a little while, trying to soothe.

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

"That I'm crazy? That I'm PMSing? That's what any normal boyfriend would think." It's not a complaint and it's obvious from how she's burrowing in closer, pushing her hands beneath his shirt.

Kate inhales hard and forces herself to exhale slow. "It's stupid. It's nothing. You didn't do anything, I promise."

[duerespectguv]

"Somehow I feel like your PMS involves firearms," Declan says wryly. While he's glad it's nothing he's done wrong, he still doesn't like Kate upset or hurting in any way.

"Tell me about it anyway?"

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

She knuckles him in stomach over the PMS comment, but it's barely even hard enough to make him flinch. "I don't even know how, babe. I don't even know what to say or where to start or what's going on with me. It's all a mess." Kate slides her hand up into her hair and tugs her head down to her knees again, tight, even though all of her is in his lap. "I wish Magnus had never told me about him."

[duerespectguv]

"About who, love?"

Declan's not really following her tonight and he sort of hates that. Kate deserves not to have to spell out every little thing about what's wrong.

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

"My son." It's bald and flat and completely unapologetic on the subject of that child being her son. He is. Even if she's never met him, even if that wasn't her, it was her, and if Magnus shows up tomorrow, she will raise him as her son. "The one from that other timeline," she clarifies for Declan, voice still thick and raw.

"If she'd just told me about Will, it wouldn't matter. Me and Will getting together if you guys aren't around isn't a mystery or anything. But having a kid, anywhere, anytime, but especially with the world ending... it doesn't make sense. Not for me. Not for Will. We talked about it, kind of, and that helps, but... I had a kid and died on him and then Will sent him away to keep him safe, and..."

Kate looks up at Declan, eyes shiny and cheeks wet. "Now I can't stop thinking about how scared he must've been, the little guy. All alone without either of his parents. Every time I think I'm over it, I see one of the kids on the island running around looking lost, or Coraline's crying over the parents and brothers and sisters she's lost or I'm kissing a girl under the mistletoe who's minutes from bursting she's so pregnant and tonight I went to see her and signed up to help out at the Children's Office and..."

She takes a breath but keeps talking. She hates talking and if she's ever getting this out, she has to say it all now. "Then you're saying 'if we ever have a family' and you want to build a nicer house and I never wanted that. Never. But now that Magnus told me about little Magnus, I can't stop picking at it. I know it's stupid. But I feel like a hermit crab in a terrarium with nowhere to go but around in circles."

[duerespectguv]

"Is it...what you want now?"

Declan's trying to be cautious because it's not what he wants and he doesn't relish having the "let's not have kids" conversation with Kate when she's already raw and emotional. He's always liked the idea of family, has a great family of his own back home, but having children's never been on the agenda. His job's too dangerous, too many risks, and here on the island there's the chance everyone will disappear and abandon the child.

Sort of like Kate's child with Will in that universe, in a way, and Declan doesn't want that for them. Not at all. Not with some boy that's got her eyes and the stubborn set of his jaw.

"Because the idea of that scares me, Kate. It's not a good place to have children and I don't know that I'm going to be the best father."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

Kate twists around to stare up at him, like somehow he just heard the opposite of what she said. Her eyes are wide and shiny when she pokes him in the chest.

"First of all, you would make a great father." She's not sure why that's important, since it's not really important for the two of them. "Second, no. I don't want to have a baby here. I don't know if I ever want kids. But definitely not here. Not where we could disappear and--" Her voice catches again, her hurt over baby Magnus flooding her chest again. "Abandon another kid."

Her fingers curl into his shirt again, and all of her fight and fire dissolves. She's crying again and it's so fucking stupid. But it feels...kind of okay...as long as Declan's holding her.

[duerespectguv]

"It wouldn't be our fault if we disappeared but I don't want to take that risk," Declan decides. "We should be careful. I'm prepared, if it happens, but I don't...I don't want to abandon a child."

He kisses her hair. "I love you, Kate. Always."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

She's not worried about it being her fault. She's worried about her son. Or any kid she gets pregnant with if he knocks her up. And all the kids on the island who've lost their families, they just hit too close to home for her.

She curls in tighter against him. "I'm going to help out at the Children's Office. I think I need to." It's not permission she's looking for. Just...she wants him to understand. To understand her. "It's not because I want a kid. I just...they need people to care about them and take care of them and I want to be one of them."

Now she's way past Girl Scout to something else completely. Yeah, okay, she cares. It feels kind of good.

[duerespectguv]

"I'm glad you've found a purpose, at least. Still at loose ends myself."

Declan's mostly all right with that, considering. He likes being with Kate (loves being with Kate) and he likes the solitude of his hut. He wishes London was gone so he could stop thinking about James but that's not relevant at the moment.

"I don't have anything I'm passionate about yet other than you."

[girlsolo]

"I don't know if it's a purpose, so much as just...I have to do it."

Kate rubs her cheek against his chest and works a hand up under his shirt. Being 'passionate' seems like a lot better way to burn off the emotion than crying anyway.

"If you want to talk about what to do with yourself other than be passionate about me, now's your chance," she says, sounding a lot more like herself. "Because otherwise, I'm in favor of passionate." She quirks a soft-around-the-edge grin up at him. "Very in favor."

[duerespectguv]

"Not just now. You're beautiful and I want you but I haven't shifted gears yet," Declan admits. "But never doubt you're beautiful and I want you because that's always the case, love."

[girlsolo]

For the first time tonight, Kate actually laughs. It's quiet and wry. "Did you just 'not tonight dear, I have a headache' me?" She's teasing him, because he's all weird and it's her fault.

That's definitely why she shifts in his lap to settle against him the way he likes. "It's okay, babe. I'm... I guess I just needed..." To talk about it. "You. Sorry if I freaked you out."

[duerespectguv]

"No, it's just I have a bit of trouble shifting from crying girlfriend I need to comfort and hold to wanton sex goddess about to have her way with me."

Declan wraps his arm around her waist and brings his other hand up to cup her cheek and tip her chin up so he can kiss her. Kissing's definitely acceptable, even when he's in this in-between period.

[girlsolo]

He probably doesn't mean to make her self-conscious but he kind of does. She knows she uses sex as a distraction a lot, but she thought he was okay with it. "Sorry," Kate starts to say, but then he's kissing her and she's coming apart under his mouth.

Not like fuck me now coming apart either. Like I need you and her fingers are curling into his shirt. So maybe she's having trouble shifting too.

[duerespectguv]

He feels it when she starts coming apart for him and Declan pursues that, hands sliding up into her hair to work his fingers through the waves.

He'll want more later, he's certain of that, but for right now this is all he needs.