[For Declan] There might've been a time when I would give myself away

[girlsolo]

Even hiked up in her gloved hands, Kate's dark skirts swish under her full buttoned and belted leather coat. Her boots clack on wet pavement. The curls in her hair are falling from being wet and dry and wet again. She wishes for the fiftieth time today, she'd taken the time yesterday to finish lining the breeches she'd pulled from the box.

It's after midnight when she clomps up the steps to Declan's house. She could just come in, maybe, but it's late and it's not his hut and...and and and. And she wants him to come down and get her and be glad to see her and kiss her hello and let her in because he wants her there. She shouldn't be in this mood. It hasn't been a bad day. She just...

Fuck if she knows. Maybe it's the Children's Office and her other-world son. Maybe she's just been away from her boyfriend too long and she wants him.

Whatever.

She raps on the door with the brass door-knocker and wishes the sting of her gloved knuckles against the door weren't the most honest thing she's felt all day.

*
Title lyric from Adam Lambert's What Do You Want From Me?

Comments

[duerespectguv]

It was just an idle comment but it's apparently hurt her, and deeply, and Declan's never felt like as big an ass as he does right now. He tentatively reaches out to touch her shoulder, rubbing lightly.

"Christ, Katie, I didn't mean anything by it. It was just...if it happened, we'd need a bigger place. That's all. I wasn't pressuring you or trying to hurt you. It was just an idle comment and I didn't think. I'm sorry."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

If the whole baby thing's not enough then there's Declan wanting to be a family with her and build a house for her when all she's ever had since she was a kid is the Sanctuary and it's just all too fucking much. Now he's trying to apologize and...

And Kate punches him in the shoulder and then shoves him back so she can climb into his lap and curl up against him. "Don't be an idiot, Declan," she roughs out, sniffling.

[duerespectguv]

"I don't know, what was I supposed to think? What's wrong, Kate?"

Declan doesn't even know where to begin with this so he just kisses her hair lightly and holds her for a little while, trying to soothe.

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

"That I'm crazy? That I'm PMSing? That's what any normal boyfriend would think." It's not a complaint and it's obvious from how she's burrowing in closer, pushing her hands beneath his shirt.

Kate inhales hard and forces herself to exhale slow. "It's stupid. It's nothing. You didn't do anything, I promise."

[duerespectguv]

"Somehow I feel like your PMS involves firearms," Declan says wryly. While he's glad it's nothing he's done wrong, he still doesn't like Kate upset or hurting in any way.

"Tell me about it anyway?"

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

She knuckles him in stomach over the PMS comment, but it's barely even hard enough to make him flinch. "I don't even know how, babe. I don't even know what to say or where to start or what's going on with me. It's all a mess." Kate slides her hand up into her hair and tugs her head down to her knees again, tight, even though all of her is in his lap. "I wish Magnus had never told me about him."

[duerespectguv]

"About who, love?"

Declan's not really following her tonight and he sort of hates that. Kate deserves not to have to spell out every little thing about what's wrong.

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

"My son." It's bald and flat and completely unapologetic on the subject of that child being her son. He is. Even if she's never met him, even if that wasn't her, it was her, and if Magnus shows up tomorrow, she will raise him as her son. "The one from that other timeline," she clarifies for Declan, voice still thick and raw.

"If she'd just told me about Will, it wouldn't matter. Me and Will getting together if you guys aren't around isn't a mystery or anything. But having a kid, anywhere, anytime, but especially with the world ending... it doesn't make sense. Not for me. Not for Will. We talked about it, kind of, and that helps, but... I had a kid and died on him and then Will sent him away to keep him safe, and..."

Kate looks up at Declan, eyes shiny and cheeks wet. "Now I can't stop thinking about how scared he must've been, the little guy. All alone without either of his parents. Every time I think I'm over it, I see one of the kids on the island running around looking lost, or Coraline's crying over the parents and brothers and sisters she's lost or I'm kissing a girl under the mistletoe who's minutes from bursting she's so pregnant and tonight I went to see her and signed up to help out at the Children's Office and..."

She takes a breath but keeps talking. She hates talking and if she's ever getting this out, she has to say it all now. "Then you're saying 'if we ever have a family' and you want to build a nicer house and I never wanted that. Never. But now that Magnus told me about little Magnus, I can't stop picking at it. I know it's stupid. But I feel like a hermit crab in a terrarium with nowhere to go but around in circles."

[duerespectguv]

"Is it...what you want now?"

Declan's trying to be cautious because it's not what he wants and he doesn't relish having the "let's not have kids" conversation with Kate when she's already raw and emotional. He's always liked the idea of family, has a great family of his own back home, but having children's never been on the agenda. His job's too dangerous, too many risks, and here on the island there's the chance everyone will disappear and abandon the child.

Sort of like Kate's child with Will in that universe, in a way, and Declan doesn't want that for them. Not at all. Not with some boy that's got her eyes and the stubborn set of his jaw.

"Because the idea of that scares me, Kate. It's not a good place to have children and I don't know that I'm going to be the best father."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

Kate twists around to stare up at him, like somehow he just heard the opposite of what she said. Her eyes are wide and shiny when she pokes him in the chest.

"First of all, you would make a great father." She's not sure why that's important, since it's not really important for the two of them. "Second, no. I don't want to have a baby here. I don't know if I ever want kids. But definitely not here. Not where we could disappear and--" Her voice catches again, her hurt over baby Magnus flooding her chest again. "Abandon another kid."

Her fingers curl into his shirt again, and all of her fight and fire dissolves. She's crying again and it's so fucking stupid. But it feels...kind of okay...as long as Declan's holding her.

[duerespectguv]

"It wouldn't be our fault if we disappeared but I don't want to take that risk," Declan decides. "We should be careful. I'm prepared, if it happens, but I don't...I don't want to abandon a child."

He kisses her hair. "I love you, Kate. Always."

[girlsolo.livejournal.com]

She's not worried about it being her fault. She's worried about her son. Or any kid she gets pregnant with if he knocks her up. And all the kids on the island who've lost their families, they just hit too close to home for her.

She curls in tighter against him. "I'm going to help out at the Children's Office. I think I need to." It's not permission she's looking for. Just...she wants him to understand. To understand her. "It's not because I want a kid. I just...they need people to care about them and take care of them and I want to be one of them."

Now she's way past Girl Scout to something else completely. Yeah, okay, she cares. It feels kind of good.

[duerespectguv]

"I'm glad you've found a purpose, at least. Still at loose ends myself."

Declan's mostly all right with that, considering. He likes being with Kate (loves being with Kate) and he likes the solitude of his hut. He wishes London was gone so he could stop thinking about James but that's not relevant at the moment.

"I don't have anything I'm passionate about yet other than you."

[girlsolo]

"I don't know if it's a purpose, so much as just...I have to do it."

Kate rubs her cheek against his chest and works a hand up under his shirt. Being 'passionate' seems like a lot better way to burn off the emotion than crying anyway.

"If you want to talk about what to do with yourself other than be passionate about me, now's your chance," she says, sounding a lot more like herself. "Because otherwise, I'm in favor of passionate." She quirks a soft-around-the-edge grin up at him. "Very in favor."

[duerespectguv]

"Not just now. You're beautiful and I want you but I haven't shifted gears yet," Declan admits. "But never doubt you're beautiful and I want you because that's always the case, love."

[girlsolo]

For the first time tonight, Kate actually laughs. It's quiet and wry. "Did you just 'not tonight dear, I have a headache' me?" She's teasing him, because he's all weird and it's her fault.

That's definitely why she shifts in his lap to settle against him the way he likes. "It's okay, babe. I'm... I guess I just needed..." To talk about it. "You. Sorry if I freaked you out."

[duerespectguv]

"No, it's just I have a bit of trouble shifting from crying girlfriend I need to comfort and hold to wanton sex goddess about to have her way with me."

Declan wraps his arm around her waist and brings his other hand up to cup her cheek and tip her chin up so he can kiss her. Kissing's definitely acceptable, even when he's in this in-between period.

[girlsolo]

He probably doesn't mean to make her self-conscious but he kind of does. She knows she uses sex as a distraction a lot, but she thought he was okay with it. "Sorry," Kate starts to say, but then he's kissing her and she's coming apart under his mouth.

Not like fuck me now coming apart either. Like I need you and her fingers are curling into his shirt. So maybe she's having trouble shifting too.

[duerespectguv]

He feels it when she starts coming apart for him and Declan pursues that, hands sliding up into her hair to work his fingers through the waves.

He'll want more later, he's certain of that, but for right now this is all he needs.