girlsolo | [For Declan] Quick fix and heartbeats, gets me so easily

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[For Declan] Quick fix and heartbeats, gets me so easily

It's been days since she's seen him. Since the day she took Will's baseball. It's not...it is because she's been avoiding him, but not because of the sex. Or him caring. Or her caring. She just..

She'd needed to do this alone.

Kate had needed to take the things she did, replace them the way she did. Will would say she was 'working through' something. Maybe. Or maybe she just needed to screw up and get caught so she could remember how that felt. Or maybe it was the same thing. Whatever it was, Declan couldn't have ridden shotgun on this one. He'd have stopped her and she'd have let him.

She doesn't want him to be her prison warden. To have to hold her leash. To have to clean up after her and she knows he will if she lets him. But it's okay tonight. The mess is managed, same as the mischief. It's on her head and no one else's.

Tonight, Kate doesn't want Declan for something. She just wants Declan.

He's not there when she gets to his hut. She could let herself in, but she won't. Instead, she parks her ass on the porch stairs and waits. If anything, the peace and quiet's kind of nice. The stars don't look familiar, but when she looks up at them, they're beautiful anyway.

*Title and lj-cut lyrics from The Sounds' Queen of Apology.

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"Don't apologize," Declan says quietly, tugging her close. "Even if you can't let it out in public, you can express anything you need to with me. It's never going to leave this room, all right? If you need me or you need this, you have it, no questions asked."

"Except whether I want it." Over and over and over again. She sighs and tips her head away to get some cooler air. If her face doesn't feel hot, she won't feel as much like crying. "I'm not your heart-to-heart kind of girl. Ask Will."

She draws her hand up his arm and back down. She doesn't do talks, but Declan cares and he needs her. She needs him to. "When things are fucked in my life, they tend to stay that way. I fixed things once." It was the hardest thing she ever did. And the best, but that's not the point right now. "The Sanctuary was right enough to make me want to be someone else. I don't want this island, but I don't want to be who I was before the Sanctuary either. Making myself okay with being here means giving up on the life I fought for. I'm not ready for that. But I don't have a choice." Because I don't want to lose what I have left of home by shoving it away.

"It doesn't mean giving up, it's just...forging a new path," Declan says, but he feels like it falls flat. He kisses the top of her head even if she isn't the heart to heart sort and when he speaks, it's dangerously close to that.

"Kate, I want you and I need you, just as you are. If nothing else, be assured of that, and about the only good thing about this damned island is that occasionally I get to wrap you in my arms for a little while before you bolt. We're going to figure it out. I promise you."

"I don't want a new path," she says so softly she's not even sure he can hear it and the fucking tears she's been fighting are hot on her cheeks. "I liked who I was." Finally.

"I want this with you at home, where we're both who we're supposed to be." It's a huge admission but all her walls and filters are down now. Once she starts, she can't stop usually. "I'm a disaster for you either way. But at home at least...at least I'm not a complete wreck too."

"How about this. If I turn up at home tomorrow, I'll fly you out and have you pinned against the wall before you've even shaken off the rain," Declan teases, brushing at the tears with his thumb.

"And then I'll cart you off to my bed and not let you out for a week. How's that for a promise?"

Declan's making that face. The guy face that goes with the chick I'm fucking is crying, oh god what do I do? She's actually only ever seen it on TV. Because she never fucking cries in bed or out of it in front of anyone, guy girl or otherwise.

Will would say she needs the cry but he can fuck the hell off. Declan's tossing her a lifeline and she's going to grab it. "Sounds like you're writing checks you can't cash. When have we ever had a week to spend in bed?" she says and flashes him a smile. It's a lie, but she's working on it.

"Never, but a man can dream," Declan says, glad she's joking about it, at least. He can't stand her tears because they make him want to tear apart whatever it is that's made her cry.

"After I'd had you in my bed long enough, I'd take you somewhere. Japan, maybe, I love Japan in spring."

That touches something else that's raw and tender. Something she's kept hidden a good long time and wanted to keep hidden forever. But if Will sees right through her (her Will), then Declan opens her up. Maybe it's literal. Him fucking her wide exposes her.

She curls her fingers against his chest. "Don't. Don't dream about me like that. I'm not that girl," Kate protests. It's soft and weak and obvious as fuck to her ears that she wishes she were. For him, she wishes she were.

"Maybe you don't think so," Declan concedes, "But you're not just a fuck to me, Katie. If you'd prefer I didn't mention it, I suppose I can manage but I can't do this with you and not have feelings for you. I can't."

He smiles, but it's small and a little sad. "What you don't know doesn't affect anything, right?"

She kisses him. When she should take that opening, shove him back, run, Kate kisses him. Not like she's trying to shut him up, but sweet and tender and soft.

"I don't mind," she whispers, barely a puff of breath against his lips, like if she says it too loud it will bring everything crashing down. "Your feelings. It's okay. I just...don't want to hurt you. Don't want to lose you. Don't want to fuck up something good by you thinking I'm someone I'm not."

"I don't come into this blind, Kate," Declan reminds her gently. "I know who you are. I've seen you change and grow since you switched sides. Unless you're conning me and I'm just a game to you, I don't think you're going to fuck it up irreparably."

"You're not." That's firm and fierce, all of her loyalty bleeding out into it. "You're not. I'm not. This isn't. I wouldn't do that." To someone else, maybe. Maybe. "Not to you."

Kate bites her lip and squares her shoulders under his hand. "This isn't just a booty call." She doesn't know what it is yet or what she wants it to be. It's complicated and messy and yeah, she has feelings too.

"I didn't think you would," Declan assures her. "We'll just take it as it comes and not put any labels on it for the moment?"

He smiles, warmer now. "Yeah?"

"No labels and no promises," she reminds him, because she's not ready to make commitments. He's important to her. But Kate hasn't changed that much. The fastest way to make her run is fence her in. She doesn't want to run from him. So he has to let her keep one foot out the door.

"Except, I promise I won't lie to you. And if you let me go when I need to, I promise I'll come back."

"And by let you go...do you mean let you have time off by yourself or time with someone else?" Declan asks, trying to mask his feelings about that particular subject.

He supposes he ought to be satisfied with her promising to come back to him, no matter how she means it.

"Both." She rubs her hand over his bicep, gaze clouded with telling the truth when it would be so much easier to lie. She bends her head down and kisses his chest, trying to find words to make it sting less. To make it okay. "I know it's not what you want. I do."

Her voice quavers and by now he's got to know the sound of it as 'scared as hell'. "There's no one else serious. I just...I can't promise. There's too much other stuff fencing me in. I can't." There's one thing. Maybe. That she can give him. One thing, and, fuck, she's not sure it's the right thing. But it's honest and she promised him that. "I'm not saying never, Declan. Just...not yet."

Edited 2011-10-08 07:38 (UTC)

"All right," Declan says simply, unsure of how he's supposed to respond. What he wants to say is no, that they can't have this unless it's exclusive, but the last thing he wants is to lose her.

"Suppose that means I can step out then?"

Everything in her tightens at the question. It's unexpected, but the thought of him with someone else...it makes her sick. But it's the right thing. Let him go, let him find someone better...

No.

She pulls closer. Heart pounding against her ribs, rabbit-scared and needy. "I've never wanted to be a hypocrite more than I do right now."

"I'm not...what I want with you doesn't involve anyone else, Katie, but I'm not going to want to watch you sleep with someone else and then come back to me. Maybe it makes me old-fashioned."

He doesn't know what to say that isn't going to make her bolt on him.

Kate pulls herself up to sit at the head of the bed, arms around her knees. She needs to breathe. To think. To try to make good choices for once.

After she gets her mile-a-minute brain under control, she rubs her forehead and tries to find words that won't push him away. "It's not old-fashioned. It's kind of cool. No one's ever wanted this with me before." She gives him a smile that's soft, but nervous. "I don't want to sleep with anyone else. I just...need the freedom to do it. I need the freedom to make mistakes and have bad days and act out without breaking the one thing I can count on."

"I can try to understand it," Declan promises. "But this...this can't happen again until you're willing to be exclusive with me. I'll be damned if I have to think about you fucking someone else when you're with me. I don't mean to be crass or cruel about it but that's the only way I can give you the freedom you need."

It's not what she wants. At all. But it's fair, so she tells herself the lie that it's fine. "This... is us fucking. Not us--" Kate gestures between them. "Being together?"

"I'm not going to take away my friendship, Kate," Declan says softly. "And I'm not going to ever keep you from me if you need me. But I can't have sex with you if I know you're just going to be with someone else tomorrow night. I can't."

"I get it. The no sex thing." Frowning, Kate chews at her bottom lip and stares past him to the wall of a hut on an island that already feels like a cage. The old Kate Freelander would pick up her clothes and see him approximately never.

The new Kate Freelander...she maybe kind of wants this. Them. Together. Not like Magnus and Will, but together. She just needs...guest quarters for awhile. To see what it's like now without it, before she commits to getting the trash picked up at four. "But what about when you need me?"

"Then I trust I'll be able to find you. I can track as well as anyone," Declan says, trying to make something that's not light a little lighter. "And it's you I'd want for that."

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