girlsolo | [For Declan] Quick fix and heartbeats, gets me so easily

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[For Declan] Quick fix and heartbeats, gets me so easily

It's been days since she's seen him. Since the day she took Will's baseball. It's not...it is because she's been avoiding him, but not because of the sex. Or him caring. Or her caring. She just..

She'd needed to do this alone.

Kate had needed to take the things she did, replace them the way she did. Will would say she was 'working through' something. Maybe. Or maybe she just needed to screw up and get caught so she could remember how that felt. Or maybe it was the same thing. Whatever it was, Declan couldn't have ridden shotgun on this one. He'd have stopped her and she'd have let him.

She doesn't want him to be her prison warden. To have to hold her leash. To have to clean up after her and she knows he will if she lets him. But it's okay tonight. The mess is managed, same as the mischief. It's on her head and no one else's.

Tonight, Kate doesn't want Declan for something. She just wants Declan.

He's not there when she gets to his hut. She could let herself in, but she won't. Instead, she parks her ass on the porch stairs and waits. If anything, the peace and quiet's kind of nice. The stars don't look familiar, but when she looks up at them, they're beautiful anyway.

*Title and lj-cut lyrics from The Sounds' Queen of Apology.

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She kisses him. When she should take that opening, shove him back, run, Kate kisses him. Not like she's trying to shut him up, but sweet and tender and soft.

"I don't mind," she whispers, barely a puff of breath against his lips, like if she says it too loud it will bring everything crashing down. "Your feelings. It's okay. I just...don't want to hurt you. Don't want to lose you. Don't want to fuck up something good by you thinking I'm someone I'm not."

"I don't come into this blind, Kate," Declan reminds her gently. "I know who you are. I've seen you change and grow since you switched sides. Unless you're conning me and I'm just a game to you, I don't think you're going to fuck it up irreparably."

"You're not." That's firm and fierce, all of her loyalty bleeding out into it. "You're not. I'm not. This isn't. I wouldn't do that." To someone else, maybe. Maybe. "Not to you."

Kate bites her lip and squares her shoulders under his hand. "This isn't just a booty call." She doesn't know what it is yet or what she wants it to be. It's complicated and messy and yeah, she has feelings too.

"I didn't think you would," Declan assures her. "We'll just take it as it comes and not put any labels on it for the moment?"

He smiles, warmer now. "Yeah?"

"No labels and no promises," she reminds him, because she's not ready to make commitments. He's important to her. But Kate hasn't changed that much. The fastest way to make her run is fence her in. She doesn't want to run from him. So he has to let her keep one foot out the door.

"Except, I promise I won't lie to you. And if you let me go when I need to, I promise I'll come back."

"And by let you go...do you mean let you have time off by yourself or time with someone else?" Declan asks, trying to mask his feelings about that particular subject.

He supposes he ought to be satisfied with her promising to come back to him, no matter how she means it.

"Both." She rubs her hand over his bicep, gaze clouded with telling the truth when it would be so much easier to lie. She bends her head down and kisses his chest, trying to find words to make it sting less. To make it okay. "I know it's not what you want. I do."

Her voice quavers and by now he's got to know the sound of it as 'scared as hell'. "There's no one else serious. I just...I can't promise. There's too much other stuff fencing me in. I can't." There's one thing. Maybe. That she can give him. One thing, and, fuck, she's not sure it's the right thing. But it's honest and she promised him that. "I'm not saying never, Declan. Just...not yet."

Edited 2011-10-08 07:38 (UTC)

"All right," Declan says simply, unsure of how he's supposed to respond. What he wants to say is no, that they can't have this unless it's exclusive, but the last thing he wants is to lose her.

"Suppose that means I can step out then?"

Everything in her tightens at the question. It's unexpected, but the thought of him with someone else...it makes her sick. But it's the right thing. Let him go, let him find someone better...

No.

She pulls closer. Heart pounding against her ribs, rabbit-scared and needy. "I've never wanted to be a hypocrite more than I do right now."

"I'm not...what I want with you doesn't involve anyone else, Katie, but I'm not going to want to watch you sleep with someone else and then come back to me. Maybe it makes me old-fashioned."

He doesn't know what to say that isn't going to make her bolt on him.

Kate pulls herself up to sit at the head of the bed, arms around her knees. She needs to breathe. To think. To try to make good choices for once.

After she gets her mile-a-minute brain under control, she rubs her forehead and tries to find words that won't push him away. "It's not old-fashioned. It's kind of cool. No one's ever wanted this with me before." She gives him a smile that's soft, but nervous. "I don't want to sleep with anyone else. I just...need the freedom to do it. I need the freedom to make mistakes and have bad days and act out without breaking the one thing I can count on."

"I can try to understand it," Declan promises. "But this...this can't happen again until you're willing to be exclusive with me. I'll be damned if I have to think about you fucking someone else when you're with me. I don't mean to be crass or cruel about it but that's the only way I can give you the freedom you need."

It's not what she wants. At all. But it's fair, so she tells herself the lie that it's fine. "This... is us fucking. Not us--" Kate gestures between them. "Being together?"

"I'm not going to take away my friendship, Kate," Declan says softly. "And I'm not going to ever keep you from me if you need me. But I can't have sex with you if I know you're just going to be with someone else tomorrow night. I can't."

"I get it. The no sex thing." Frowning, Kate chews at her bottom lip and stares past him to the wall of a hut on an island that already feels like a cage. The old Kate Freelander would pick up her clothes and see him approximately never.

The new Kate Freelander...she maybe kind of wants this. Them. Together. Not like Magnus and Will, but together. She just needs...guest quarters for awhile. To see what it's like now without it, before she commits to getting the trash picked up at four. "But what about when you need me?"

"Then I trust I'll be able to find you. I can track as well as anyone," Declan says, trying to make something that's not light a little lighter. "And it's you I'd want for that."

"I won't be far." Kate unfolds herself and tries to crawl back into his arms. "I found a place. Halfway between here and Magnus and Will. I'll show you where it is."

Jesus, Freelander. Telling him how to find you? Who the hell are you turning into?

"We'll go scout in the morning, then," Declan says, opening his arms and tugging her close. "I don't mean to hurt you, Katie. You have to know that. I wouldn't ever try to hurt you on purpose just to prove a point."

Not fucking means cuddling comes easier. Even if they're naked and she'd roll for him in a heartbeat. Even if, it's still easy to fit herself into the space he makes for her.

"I know." She rests her head against his shoulder. "I'm trying not to hurt you, too." But without distractions... No crying. Not fucking crying. Her fingers tighten their grip on him. "Favor?"

"Anything, love, you know that," Declan says softly, petting her hair. Even if he can't fuck her, this isn't about that anyway. It never has been.

"What do you need?"

Kate can't fucking believe she's going to say this. Any of it. It's so...not her. Except, it is, she guesses. That aching feeling of loss and longing like watching a message in a bottle float away from shore. When it's him, this who she is. She's not sure she likes it. But she's not losing him.

"Two favors then, and a promise." She gives him a small grim smile. "Promise first. I won't bring anyone else back to my bed. There might be people there if you just show up. But I promise it won't be for sex."

Edited 2011-10-08 19:39 (UTC)

"All right," Declan says cautiously. He wants her to tell him on her own time and not force it, so he rubs his hand lightly down her back to encourage her to keep talking.

"No sex in your bed. What favors did you need?"

"No sex with anyone else in my bed." It's important. A distinction. She wants him to know he's never going to walk in on her fucking someone else. She can promise him that. "First favor, can I have the same promise?"

All I want is you, Declan thinks, but he's not fool enough to say it out loud. He's the pathetic one in this and he knows it but he can at least keep it from her for a little while.

"Absolutely. If it happens, it won't be here."

Her breath catches at how fast he makes that promise. He's so much too good for her. He deserves so much better than her crap.

Silent for a few minutes, her fingertips rub thoughtfully against his chest. She tips her head up to meet his gaze. "Don't stop calling me 'Katie'?" It's pathetic, practically a whimper. But it's a tell. As long as he can keep calling her Katie, she can come back. When he stops...they're over.

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